Top 10 Rules for Dating A Mommy – The Motherfu**er Edition

As a guest blogger for Sha Stimuli’s Monday Rambles, I decided since it’s the day after Mother’s Day, and I’m a single mommy, to let some of you hit and runners, know the 10 rules for making sure that M.I.LF. is happy, especially when it comes to hitting the sheets. Keep in mind rules are in place for a reason, eventually you’ll find out why…

10. ALWAYS BE PREPARED

If you’re a real “motherfu**er” then you have no job and you’re bouncing from chick to chick. Always be prepared is the motto of the Boy Scouts and could be used as your motto as well. I could want it at 2 in the afternoon, or 12:20 at night. If you need to hold on to that sweet piece of a**, be ready to come a running when she calls.

9. FACE FIRST IS MANDATORY…

That is if you show up at my house at 12:30 at night and I have to get up at 5:30 for work, cuz someone needs to feed the 10 kids I have running around my house, you better be prepared to end up face first in what I’m serving!

8. DON’T CALL ALL THE TIME

If there’s one thing a chick like me doesn’t like is a thirsty motherfu**er, who likes what he’s getting and calls at all times of the day and all hours of the night. Slow your roll baby cakes, if I found you suitable for anything but you’ve been kept around for, don’t you think I’d reach out to you???

7. POKEMON AND YU-GI-OH IS A NO-NO

If I catch you in my living room watching cartoons even once with my kiddos…you’re done! Get your lazy a** up and offer like a real man to help mow the lawn, do the dishes, or really help my single mother butt out. (Violation of this policy will result in unanswered phone calls and being called the 11^th child to my friends, and me trying to collect stamps to feed you).

6. PULLING HAIR IS ALLOWED, SPARATICALLY

Do this only when given permission to do so. Don’t automatically assume that you’re going to get the porn style stress reliever in every session. Yep, sure beat it and read it (SEE RULE #5), but sometimes you just have to remember that chicks, even us single mommy’s, love to be treated with respect, not like someone you’re just hittin’ for the night.

5. BEAT IT AND READ IT

I may be contradicting myself from rule number 4, but our freaking sessions maybe the only stress reliever us mommy’s see, so maybe that hair tugging is needed more often than not. So again, refer to rule 10, and be prepared. I once asked a “friend” so graciously to exit the ride after he got a leg cramp. Stretch homie stretch. You may need that extra flexibility for what we’re about to do.

4. MAKE THE FIRST MOVE OCCASIONALY

Every woman likes to feel like a queen, so make sure you make the first move. Sometimes random a** grabbing, neck nuzzling, and ear lobe nibbling will lead to the crazy impromptu moments….like when the kids are gone, your MILF is cooking or doing dishes…creep up behind her and strike!

3. NO HEAD PUSHING ALLOWED

Oral sex…either a mommy loves going down or she doesn’t! Ladies, we all know that guy that smells like a balled up sweat sock in his gym shorts. And we all have met one guy or another who has tried the “if I push her head down there move, I’mma get one off.” Nah homie, there’s a reason I don’t venture down that way…matter fact how about you don’t even get to hit it after that. And most of all, I’m a grown a** woman, I’m not above going down there, so when I feel that you’re worth of being blessed, I will make sure you know it!

2. MY MONEY IS MY MONEY

As an honest man, you should never feel the need or desire to ask a single mommy for cash. Doing so gives her the right to call you a “sorry a** motherfu**er” at any point in the future and use said error in judgment as a catalyst for tearing you down at any moment.

1. RESPECT COMES BEFORE ANYTHING

Despite freaky, raunchy ways I spoke in previous rules, it never ceases to amaze me the disrespectful way some men view single mothers. The truth is, yes, there are many single mommies’ out there that have messed up views of relationships. They’ve been hurt, chewed up, and spit out. Some of these baby daddies aren’t worth the horse they first rode in on. But we are women, humans, and have feelings, so showing us some respect will go a long way.

It’s easy for a motherfu**er to hit and run. It’s easy for someone to dip after hitting, but remember one thing…don’t underestimate the way a single mommy can make you feel, not only to satisfy your physical urges, but we do have a soul somewhere in there, beneath all the stress, work, and focusing on our family life. And it could be the soul you really need next to you to take you to the next level in life…

Have fun but be safe when taking care of that bizness ladies and gentlemen! 

Written by: Just Jen