Monday Ramble #44 If You Want My Advice…

One thing you should never do is drink a few glasses of Ciroc vodka at an open bar event and then have a glass of straight Hennessy afterwards on a school night.

But if you do find yourself mixing dark and white liquor by accident, definitely do not accept one or two glasses of Moët champagne after you’re finished the other alcohol. It doesn’t matter what the celebration is. That would be a mistake. Trust me.

Sometimes it’s hard to say no to folks, so if you find that difficult and you go ahead and sip the bubbly after the Henny and the Diddy-endorsed poison, you should thwart any peer pressure to join in on a Patron shot. That would be lethal and idiotic. I would never condone anything like that.

Yet if you can’t refuse people’s generosity, and you want to be a part of the festivities, and it looks cool, and you don’t want to come off like a lame, and you must partake in the elixir, do yourself a favor and make sure you’re not driving home.
Although you may tell yourself that you sober up behind the wheel, or enough time passed, or God is with you, it’s not worth it.

But for argument’s sake, if you have to get home and there’s no other method than in your vehicle, just have someone ride with you to keep you up and attentive.

On the other hand, if you came alone and you must leave alone then do not drive fast or crazy.

Though if you need to drive fast, try not to stop at a fast food restaurant late at night because that’s a bad mixture.

In case hunger calls and you cannot, not answer, please, please do not go to a McDonald’s drive-thru. Stop yourself right away.

But if the golden arches mesmerize you and you happen to end up talking to a distorted voiced lady in a machine at 2am, then find one close to your home and order some finger food like nuggets or those crispy strips that are ok every one out of four times. But the important thing is not to order five when they ask you how many. Get three and do not order anything extra like apple pies. You don’t need all that.

On the contrary, you may feel really hungry and if you do order the 5-piece and two apple pies from a Mickey D’s that you thought was the closest to you but it isn’t, it’s ok, just don’t eat and drive.

But if you absolutely have to eat and drive, use a napkin, pay attention to the other thingies that look like cars and only eat the fries because warming them up in the microwave is senseless anyway.

Just don’t try to apply ketchup in the car…unless you absolutely need ketchup then go ahead, it’s your world. Whatever you do, don’t get home and eat both pies, just eat one.

Unless you’re extremely starving, then do you, but the most important part of the evening is to not fall asleep on the floor in your clothes because that’s just not cool. And alcohol and food need to settle while you’re upright and awake.

There is a chance that you may fall unconscious wherever you digested the food and I understand that. The morning will be a time of mystery about how you made it home, what made you drink so much and why you didn’t save one pie.
You don’t listen.
DWI is serious. Some people think it’s funny and they can just jump in a car intoxicated and the effects will wear off magically.

Am I one of those people? I would answer that but I would hate to be one of those people that always asks questions directed at themselves and answers them any chance they get?

“Was I excited?

Yes.

But was I afraid?

Kind of.

Now would I go back?

Hell yea.”

Can you shut up? Yes I do it too. I interrogate myself a few times in conversation but only because the person I was talking to didn’t ask the right question to get the information I needed to communicate.

“Am I happy the Mavericks beat the Heat?

Sort of.

Am I more excited to see Dirk win than LeBron lose?

I’m not sure.

Do I wish baseball season wasn’t 12 months a year?

Yes I do.”

See, in order to get those responses, only I could do the interview. So I get you habitual-self-question-asker person. But be aware if you’re one of those folks.

And also take notice if you’re a chronic lister that uses numbers or letters.

You know the folks that rundown their reasons for the most random stuff in list form all the damn time. But sometimes they mix up the prefix.

A female friend of mine said,

“Number 1, I don’t even like him like that.
Number 2, there’s mad fish in the sea.”

Then she rambled on with some reasoning explaining her reason and went back in where she left off,

“And C, I ain’t really that fat.”

See you can’t go from “number 2” to “C.”
There has to be consistency if you’re a chronic lister. I know humans like this. They love to give you visual charts to show their feelings.

And I applaud them; just don’t confuse me when you start to give me the list. And don’t throw in 1A or 2B, that’s just too tough to keep up with.
I know you may not feel like it’s important to listen to me because I am not an authority figure on alcohol or English or human relations or baseball…and that’s cool.

I don’t blame you.

But I became reflective recently after sipping and steering one night, then I was watching Amy Winehouse stumble on stage and I read that Nivea crashed her car with her baby inside because she was drunk.

And I thought to myself, “this isn’t funny, I need to let people know the wrong I’ve done.” But I laughed while I said it so it negated the serious tone.

Then I asked, “Does anyone really care?

1) Not really

B) Maybe

3a) I’m writing this anyway, it’s my site and I can do what I want to.

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5 Comments on “Monday Ramble #44 If You Want My Advice…”

  1. azizirich says:

    This was absolutely HILARIOUS!!!

  2. Yonnie 3000 says:

    Hilarious and one of the better Monday Rambles in a minute (no shade).

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  4. Janice says:

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