IS IT ME? PART 10 GROWING PAINS!

They say you learn something new everyday, I’m not sure who they are but here are some things I didn’t know yesterday:

-Bill collectors are friendlier when you call them first.

-I am chemically addicted to Blistex lip medication.

-Babies really can be unattractive.

-My ability to consume massive amounts of food is not a mutant super power.

-I don’t know how to pluralize the word “Bluetooth”(bluetooths or blueteeth?) and what disturbed me most was that my “give a damn” meter has reached an all time high to a point that I am now unfamiliar with myself.

What I mean is that in college I gave a damn about a few things, I got pretty good grades, my hygiene was on point and I digested at least 2 of the four food groups daily. By comparison, in my high school days I could not find damns to give to anyone. Nothing had a consequence at all; I stopped doing homework, I never filled out a college application and if any activity conflicted with being cool then it was a no go.

I don’t give a damn was my response to statements like “your girl might find out…” or “he’s gonna kick your ass…” or “if you don’t do it you’ll fail the class…” All I fired back with was “soooo?” or “aaaand?”

I never gave a damn but now I’ve got a whole mess of damns to give. The time-space continuum has shifted and I can just see my old self in these situations of today saying “No! Don’t give it, they don’t deserve that damn you’re about to donate.” But yet still, the new me responds to informative statements with: “Good point” or “I understand, makes sense to me, you’re right.”

I am totally attentive to things that may cause cancer, I’m completely open to reading directions and I am almost, kind of, sort of aware of when I use profanity. I just met this guy in the mirror that says things like “I don’t think I had any vegetables today” or “how many drinks did I have so far?”

What the hell is his deal? Where’s that daredevil that didn’t know the difference between buzzed, tipsy and smashed? Where in the world is the guy that ate fast food 8 days in a row, stood in front of microwaves without fear, had 5 “friendgirl” girlfriends, freestyle battled for nothing and would actually travel to a new place without a printed out mapquest page or navigation?

Who is this strange man sending out caring emails and text messages before boarding planes, this dude who hasn’t worn his du-rag outside his home in years? Do I know this human being that would prefer a good meal instead of a party? Or for that matter over almost anything. He still goes to sleep at strange hours, his pants are baggy and he writes ignorant, immodest raps but he also blurts out left field phrases like “I need more dress shirts” and “I can’t wear a hoody to that event…” WHAT? We used to wear hoodies everywhere duke.

Is there a reason why he’s ready to leave the club at 2 when we used to arrive at 1:45?

When did his cholesterol level sneak into his daily thoughts? He bought a high-powered toothbrush over a new Ipod.

How did the words “credit” and “score” find their way into the same sentence when he’s talking?

We used to ignore things like tip jars, friend’s birthdays and women carrying strollers up or down stairs. And we used to pay extra attention to things that mattered like a perfectly shaped buttocks in a crowded mall or name brand garments we couldn’t afford but we purchased anyway.

What’s that? Adulthood you say? I know I’m not alone but maybe no one understands how long I’ve been young and dumb. My Benjamin Button dream is fading before my eyes. What’s next for us? Gray hair? Rocking shoes to BBQs? A tour with KRS-1?

If you have to make plans to hang out on the corner, then it’s really not authentic hanging out on the corner. It used to just happen!

A friend of mine told me he thought the answer was to find a young girlfriend in high school to keep him hip and with the times. But I found out…I mean he found out he was just being used for his algebra and geometry knowledge. Dang. I discovered the only way to thwart this growth is to start hanging out with really old people so they can say things like “when I was your age…” And then you secretly laugh at them and not because you want to but only for the simple fact that younger people have probably laughed at you on numerous occasions and its only right to keep the cycle going.

-The Present