We all say things, speak sentences, and throw out phrases that don’t always make the most sense, but that doesn’t stop us. And it starts when you’re a kid. If you’re crying and someone pats you on your back gently and says, “there, there.”  Most of us feel better…not I.

I was around 7 years old and I received a “there there” one time in camp after a bee sting had me weeping like a sucker. I looked up and answered, “Excuse me, they’re where?” The counselor dude repeated it, “You know, there, there?” I thought he said “they’re there” and I started looking around frantically. I thought more bees were there and that was frightening me. If this was a warning, it didn’t go with his sincere tone. He tried to explain that “there, there” meant feel better. I said, “Just say feel better, and stop trying to sound overly complex and cryptic my dude.” I had a strong vocabulary for 7.

I also remember being a kid and when someone was staring at you or being nosy, you would say, “mind your business” and they would come back with, “my mind is my business.” What the hell did that mean? Was that the best we could come up with as kids? I would hear someone say that foolishness and I would get so stuck. Your mind is your business? Excuse me 7-year-old peer, you must need more nap time. Who taught you that asinine buffoonery? That’s what I used to say to them. And then they would look at me all disturbed and then tell on me because I cursed, and then I’d run away and ask to go to the nurse. Things people say used to make me sick, and they still do to this day.

Sometimes I even find myself telling friends to have a safe trip. But when someone tells me that, I roll my eyes figuratively and think ‘thanks because I was planning on having one of the most dangerous trips ever known to man.’ Poisonous snake in my bag, I was going to run with some scissors on my way to the vehicle, I ripped the seatbelts out, got some blindfolds, Nyquil, whatever it takes to not have a safe trip, that was my plan before your wish, thank you so much for helping me realize the error in my ways.

That’s almost as bad as best wishes. That’s the most general of wishes ever.
You don’t rub up the genie in the bottle and just request the best as your wish. You get specific, but when it comes to others you just round it off.

Or have a good day…or night…or weekend. That’s it? Just the weekend? What about have a good April? You never get a whole month of good favor. You never know what that will do for someone.

Some women have told me to have a nice life. But I don’t think they meant it like you’re reading it. Either way, even if it were a curse disguised as a blessing, I wouldn’t mind a “nice life” wish here and there.

The point is we humans say some strange things out of habit. I am just an idiot who will admit that I don’t know what I’m talking about most of the time. My baby picture was deemed cute as a button by a relative of mine. And I looked at a button closely, I even gathered up about 12 or 13 the other night because I have so much time on my hands in between tweeting about things I’m not really doing. And I analyzed them for attractiveness and found nothing. Not that there aren’t cute buttons out there, but that metaphor didn’t leap out at me.

Nor does the term easy as pie. I’ve never baked a pie but I’ve seen the recipe and it’s not the simplest formula in the world. Easy as toast makes sense. But anything with ingredients and crust and combinations of bread, filling, and heat make for something that takes some brainpower.

Not as much as rocket science, the ever popular gauge of difficulty in the world. “Oh, you can figure out how to build a website, it isn’t rocket science.” Well my cousin told me she is a rocket scientist…she could have said rock science teacher but I know she got her degree online in 8 weeks. And even if it was Devry’s space program the point is, I’m not using that job anymore in my arguments.

When someone says, “you look skinny” or “did u lose weight?” and they scrunch up their face as if you’re on your deathbed. How come that isn’t deemed rude in America? Is slim supposed to be better than unslim? So that makes it cool? Can I say, “Damn, did you gain weight?” or “Congrats on the baby…Sir” no I cannot.

That would make me a prick and you would talk about me behind my back and in my face. And I wouldn’t want to say that anyway, because I would much rather wait until you walked away instead of confront you about your weight, what kind of jerk do you think I am?

Nah but seriously folks, people get personal and offended about the amount of pounds they see when they step on a scale. I say healthy is the way to go but what do I know?
I know what I do know, no matter what physical act I perform, even if it involves shaking my head, I vow to never write “smh” to another man in an email or text message. I’m not gonna call it feminine but I will say this, any time a dude emails me or texts me and adds “smh” I get the slow motion visual of a tight jean wearing dude sucking his teeth, shaking his head side to side with eyes closed saying “mm mm mm” at me or “shame shame shame.” And if that’s in the gay neighborhood then so be it. I don’t care if I truthfully shake my head with the most vigorous case of fake Parkinson’s…(which I just did after reviewing this rant I wrote) I just think “smh” reads weird.

Feel free to add your own things I missed or yell at me if I hath offended you.


  1. Louvely says:

    I think you should add “Can I ask you a question?” to that list. I look at them like, idiot, you just did!!! I don’t even want to hear what you really wanted to ask after that.

  2. MurrayOTU says:

    The bit about the buttons made me lol.

    On the topic of ‘lol’ is this perhaps the most overused phrase of the last ten years!?

    Keep up the good work Sha.

  3. Gabrielle says:

    ROFLMAO!! Hilarious! I tell my lil ones “Man up!!” “Shake it off!” That description you put in my head had me crying.. I really did not want to laugh at your misfortune with that bee sting..
    I alwayz listen to the words I speak.. I alwayz analyze what the correct response should be.. Normally if I know someone is going away, I will say something like “I pray that your trip is safe” because I know there is no possible way that any form of your transportation can be made safe if I say “Have a safe trip”.. My suns are pricks because if I gain an inch the say things like “Ma you look fat” or points at some overweight chic and says “Ma that looks like you” Yea they suck!! LOL! I will continue to “Watch” what I say.. I mean “listen” to what I say… I loved this ramble!! (its this dude that alwayz txts me “smh” too) Now that the thought is in my head.. I dont think, I like him anymore…Ha!

  4. liz says:

    I’m sure I have said those things you mentioned lol.

    Nice relaxing read!


  5. Zoi says:

    Hahahaha I agree wit most of these!!! I always make sure to tell people to have a happy month. I think its more of a cultural thing for me though I grew up with my grandparents saying that to me on the 1st of every one. One thing that people say that annoys me is “Now, let me tell you….” – If I didnt give u permission would you stop? Nice ramble. lol

  6. weatherman20 says:

    I don’t feel bad no more knowing im not the only person thinking this way. People really urk me sometimes and when i feel weird sometimes i think it may be the opposite. I think Einstein said we use like 9% of our brain power? Well if that’s the case I think i use 100th of a percentile more than most cuz people are weirdos.

    • shastimuli25 says:

      Nope U r not alone and if u ever have some rambling u want to do i’m gonna start opening the sit up to guests next month so I can get more people’s thoughts.

  7. Paul Thompson says:

    One of the funniest ones…fix ‘gage’ maybe though, it should be spelled ‘gauge’

  8. Rona says:

    Lol. Oh I got one… I was on the subway platform last week and this caucasian man bumped into me. I was instantly annoyed naturally but he quickly said “Oh excuse me” and my almost frown turned into a smile and I said “Oh it’s okay” and then he said “Oh really? It’s ok?” then he pushed me again (gently) and laughed. Then he said “Just kidding.” He was right though. Why do we always say “Oh it’s ok” “no problem” and “you’re welcome” when we really don’t mean it most of the time? I’d have been really pissed if that guy didn’t say “excuse me” so why did I fake the funk??? I don’t know… lol

  9. liz says:

    When manners come into play it softens us and let us relax

    Reminds us we don’t have to get upset over small things.

    I’m an advocate for manners which seem in short supply these days.


  10. TrueHorror29 says:

    This is hilarious and seriously one of my favorite things ive read in a while. Great site to go with your already dope music. Keep it up please it is appreciated.

  11. martin says:

    I think one of the most annoying phrases I hear is when people say *I personally think….* or *I personally feel..*
    I believe when someone is stating something and the word *I* that came out of that persons mouth has definitely made it quite clear to me that it is of some personal regards to them on the matter.
    “I personally take offense to what you just said to me”
    I’m sorry but if I say or act out in a manner that offends you and you reply with this kind’ve phrase I smile at how funny it sounds.

  12. Jiz says:

    “It is what it is”. AKA “I don’t know how to continue this conversation and I refuse to bring up the weather”. BKA “Keep it movin. I was just bein polite but I grow weary of your pretentious banter.” Mostly uttered by people who’s jobs include polyester shirts (with those cursive name tags) and chain smoking.
    Your column’s the shit. Always good for a laugh. WE WANT UNSUNG!

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