MONDAY RAMBLE 21 “THINGS PEOPLE SAY”

We all say things, speak sentences, and throw out phrases that don’t always make the most sense, but that doesn’t stop us. And it starts when you’re a kid. If you’re crying and someone pats you on your back gently and says, “there, there.”  Most of us feel better…not I.

I was around 7 years old and I received a “there there” one time in camp after a bee sting had me weeping like a sucker. I looked up and answered, “Excuse me, they’re where?” The counselor dude repeated it, “You know, there, there?” I thought he said “they’re there” and I started looking around frantically. I thought more bees were there and that was frightening me. If this was a warning, it didn’t go with his sincere tone. He tried to explain that “there, there” meant feel better. I said, “Just say feel better, and stop trying to sound overly complex and cryptic my dude.” I had a strong vocabulary for 7.

I also remember being a kid and when someone was staring at you or being nosy, you would say, “mind your business” and they would come back with, “my mind is my business.” What the hell did that mean? Was that the best we could come up with as kids? I would hear someone say that foolishness and I would get so stuck. Your mind is your business? Excuse me 7-year-old peer, you must need more nap time. Who taught you that asinine buffoonery? That’s what I used to say to them. And then they would look at me all disturbed and then tell on me because I cursed, and then I’d run away and ask to go to the nurse. Things people say used to make me sick, and they still do to this day.

Sometimes I even find myself telling friends to have a safe trip. But when someone tells me that, I roll my eyes figuratively and think ‘thanks because I was planning on having one of the most dangerous trips ever known to man.’ Poisonous snake in my bag, I was going to run with some scissors on my way to the vehicle, I ripped the seatbelts out, got some blindfolds, Nyquil, whatever it takes to not have a safe trip, that was my plan before your wish, thank you so much for helping me realize the error in my ways.

That’s almost as bad as best wishes. That’s the most general of wishes ever.
You don’t rub up the genie in the bottle and just request the best as your wish. You get specific, but when it comes to others you just round it off.

Or have a good day…or night…or weekend. That’s it? Just the weekend? What about have a good April? You never get a whole month of good favor. You never know what that will do for someone.

Some women have told me to have a nice life. But I don’t think they meant it like you’re reading it. Either way, even if it were a curse disguised as a blessing, I wouldn’t mind a “nice life” wish here and there.

The point is we humans say some strange things out of habit. I am just an idiot who will admit that I don’t know what I’m talking about most of the time. My baby picture was deemed cute as a button by a relative of mine. And I looked at a button closely, I even gathered up about 12 or 13 the other night because I have so much time on my hands in between tweeting about things I’m not really doing. And I analyzed them for attractiveness and found nothing. Not that there aren’t cute buttons out there, but that metaphor didn’t leap out at me.

Nor does the term easy as pie. I’ve never baked a pie but I’ve seen the recipe and it’s not the simplest formula in the world. Easy as toast makes sense. But anything with ingredients and crust and combinations of bread, filling, and heat make for something that takes some brainpower.

Not as much as rocket science, the ever popular gauge of difficulty in the world. “Oh, you can figure out how to build a website, it isn’t rocket science.” Well my cousin told me she is a rocket scientist…she could have said rock science teacher but I know she got her degree online in 8 weeks. And even if it was Devry’s space program the point is, I’m not using that job anymore in my arguments.

When someone says, “you look skinny” or “did u lose weight?” and they scrunch up their face as if you’re on your deathbed. How come that isn’t deemed rude in America? Is slim supposed to be better than unslim? So that makes it cool? Can I say, “Damn, did you gain weight?” or “Congrats on the baby…Sir” no I cannot.

That would make me a prick and you would talk about me behind my back and in my face. And I wouldn’t want to say that anyway, because I would much rather wait until you walked away instead of confront you about your weight, what kind of jerk do you think I am?

Nah but seriously folks, people get personal and offended about the amount of pounds they see when they step on a scale. I say healthy is the way to go but what do I know?
I know what I do know, no matter what physical act I perform, even if it involves shaking my head, I vow to never write “smh” to another man in an email or text message. I’m not gonna call it feminine but I will say this, any time a dude emails me or texts me and adds “smh” I get the slow motion visual of a tight jean wearing dude sucking his teeth, shaking his head side to side with eyes closed saying “mm mm mm” at me or “shame shame shame.” And if that’s in the gay neighborhood then so be it. I don’t care if I truthfully shake my head with the most vigorous case of fake Parkinson’s…(which I just did after reviewing this rant I wrote) I just think “smh” reads weird.

Feel free to add your own things I missed or yell at me if I hath offended you.