MONDAY RAMBLE PART 15 “PARTY IN THE HOUSE”

You know what never happens to me? I never go out to eat and finish my entree and have the server come over and say “We saw how fast you finished your food and it looked like you enjoyed it, so the chef decided to bring you seconds and it’s on us…”
I would be so grateful and excited, but that never happens. Instead, I go to buffets once in a blue moon and the food is just above ok and I try to save room but it doesn’t work. I am never as hungry as I am at those spots where plate refills don’t exist. Oh well.

And since I’m mentioning food, you know what really grinds my gears:

When people show up to fight parties or house functions with no beverage or contributions, then they’re the 1st ones in the kitchen grabbing up wings and pouring Belvedere. I just hate that.

It irks the hell out of me when I do that. But times are hard and my little bottle, which will be from my crib…and be opened already, isn’t going to add much to your shindig and besides if it IS a new bottle, you better believe it’s coming with me.

I know…I know, rappers are supposed to be ballers but I’m not one of those guys that comes to the crib party with big gallons of Hennessy and Patron and all the people look at them when they walk in like they just turned water into wine. Oooh I hate them too. Just bring one thing and put it in the kitchen discreetly, so what you got it, you don’t have to flaunt it rich guy. I hope your kid misses a meal because of your magic, fancy bottle you brought.

I think with housewarmings people expect gifts…at BBQs they don’t mind you just bringing buns or soda, (ice is the cop out) but at fight parties, money has been spent on an event so if you’re not charged to get in then the pressure is on you to have something in your hand when you walk thru the door. Hosts are hip to the six-pack of beer trick too. I think there’s a 2 six-pack minimum, if you’re not alone, which is crap in my book.

House parties are interesting because you have to take so many things into consideration:

-Mismatch socks (or holes) incase you have to take your shoes off…

-Food on your face, in your teeth, on your breath, any food disrupting your cool can be detrimental. Just stick with finger food and if you’re a guy then you have to give up your seat for a female that’s standing up eating, yea I know, it sucks but I didn’t make these up.

-Too much alcohol, blurting out unfunny jokes or flirting with the wrong person could result in long-term damage. Especially with twitpics and cameras on phones.

-Sweating can be pretty bad too, because then you have to wipe your forehead and get paper towel remnants on you…or you get sweat stains and people point and these are just the small things.

-Overextended convos. It’s tough to know when you’ve reached the point of small-talking to someone for too long but heed the signs if you’re the culprit of forcing a conversation that should’ve ended at “You still have my number right?” or “I’mma hit you on Facebook.”

The next level of shame at the house gathering is frightening and under no circumstances should you stick around if you have:

-A booger, or nose crust, or anything that resembles mucus in that area. If a friend doesn’t warn you early, it’s curtains for you.

-Body odor, you may have forgotten deodorant or it wore off…or the sweat took over and now someone is indirectly talking loud about how people in here need to bathe and you don’t even know it’s you…so you laugh and that makes other folks laugh…so you laugh more because you think they’re laughing with you…but they’re really laughing at you.

-If you have to use the bathroom for anything other than #1 then you should leave that shindig right away. Even if you’re nowhere close to anything else, it’s important not to blow up bathrooms or get alcohol sick at someone’s home. This isn’t even a cool/uncool thing, it’s just wrong. Of course there are exceptions and if you have to go well then you have to go but I say go before you go.

You may think I went to some fight party this weekend and that’s what sparked this rant, but I did not. Not that I wasn’t outside Dallas Austin’s mansion a few minutes after the list closed. Yes there was a list. Not a good time to have a shirt with your name on it when you’re trying to pretend you’re not the guy that didn’t get in.

“Stimuli, is that you? You didn’t get in either?”

“Nah I was in there, it was wack! Just free food, drinks and real famous folks rubbing elbows, I’m outta here.”

You made it this far, might as well leave a comment, it makes a difference…

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