Monday Ramble #53 Abnormal Activity

Monday Ramble #53 Abnormal Activity

I wish we could trade Katt Williams for Bernie Mac. Not that I want Katt Williams to die or anything but I saw this video…

And it’s painfully obvious that he’s on that Lindsey Lohan or Todd Bridges and he might be on his way out. That’s fine with me, if you wanna do intoxicants I’m not going to judge you, but I think going from comedian to rapping is one thing…going from professional comedy to professional sadness is another.

Like how can you base your career off of making people laugh, then switch it up to giving them the feeling of unhappiness every time they see you? I see him getting arrested, beefing with Steve Harvey, Jermaine Dupri, he claims to want to murder Conrad Murray, he’s making videos threatening people in rhythmic form, and I watch them and I get…sad. Where’s the jokes Katt? We liked the jokes.
I laughed at him once upon a time, but not as much as other people did. It must be tough to make folks laugh.

If it were my job to stand up in front of people and try to get them to chuckle so I could feed my family, I would totally freeze up.

And if I did practice and one day I became decent enough to pull it off, I would be a jerk at all other times throughout my life to counteract my humor on stage.

And I would drink a lot. Maybe that’s what happened to Richard Pryor.

And maybe Katt Williams will perish the same way someday.

Speaking of laughter, who came up with the standard clown outfit? The make-up, the big shoes, the ruffled top with the big buttons, the loud colors, the nose, the baggy pants; none of this stuff says humor to me.

I was afraid of clowns when I was a kid and today they still creep me out a little.

I would love to go to a Ronald McDonald audition though. I wonder how they pick the right height, facial features, ethnicity and all that. It must be hard to find the perfect guy. When I saw a black Ronald when I was a youth, I didn’t believe him, I was actually appalled that they tried to fool us.

I haven’t had a “Happy Meal” in a long time. That is a great name for a dish. How can any kid turn that down? It just sounds like instant bliss.

No other name works the same. Not “kids meal,” “young adults meal,” none of those flow like the “Happy Meal.”

If I had a restaurant I would name a dish “Angry Meal” just to see who would order it.

People like punishing themselves. I am one of those people. I don’t do roller coasters or haunted houses but I did go see Paranormal Activity 3 last week. I saw part one and I thought it was pretty smart and different.

I got somewhat frightened, but mostly intrigued by the concept. Then I found out recently that all three films are tied together and that part 3 is like the past or something. I love a good prequel so I’m gonna see part 2 to fill in the blanks.

But here’s the thing that had me analytical, I actually paid money to be scared.

Let me repeat that…I paid money…so that I could feel fear. As if I don’t have enough fear and uncertainty in my life with bill collectors, drunk driving and my cholesterol level, I need new methods of making my heart jump. And I decided to go out there and find them.

This isn’t like Halloween or Friday the 13th where there’s a dumb killer who we know is going to get everyone eventually, but he murders in these odd, abstract ways…Paranormal is some ish that can happen to anyone.

This is the stuff real life is made of, where you hear a noise in your house and can’t explain it. Or a light comes on out of nowhere. Or you see a shadow, feel a presence, and can’t sleep because there’s a vision of a little girl with a nighty on, or a spooky old woman that may kill you in your sleep.

Then there are nightmares. It’s like I went on Fandango and ordered nightmares to go. “How much for some bad ass dreams and thoughts about death and ghosts for two or three nights? Only $10 a ticket? Two please.”
And there I was, got some $12 small popcorn and a $7 tiny water and was served up fear.

Now I’m not saying I’m one of those shook ass people that gets all scared and whatnot…but I am a realist.
I know what horror is about, and there’s a difference between Scream where you see guts and blood and there’s a killer in some small town that is going to reveal himself, but you’re aware that it’s a movie…compared to the Paranormal joints where they do a wonderful job at making you feel like this could be you at home haunted by ghosts.

And hey, I like that. I need to feel like this is an almost true story to get a little jittery. Texas Chainsaw Massacre was brutal to me, but it looked embellished. Knowing that it was based on some facts, creeps me out a tad bit but I can run from a chainsaw, avoid Texas and I’m black…thus escaping death.

Some of you are saying, “Oh you’re a pussy for being scared of a scary movie.”

“Oh you used ‘thus’ wrong.”

Look I’m not gonna argue with you…because I don’t know you, and I’m predicting and projecting, and that’s not cool, but my disclaimer is that even though I wasn’t technically afraid in the theater, I was affected.

And that ladies and gentlemen is the clincher. The world is made up of things that are not good, but we still go find these things. Like the news; 87 percent is bad news, but we tune in.

Gossip websites; we log on to see who got divorced, who’s on drugs, who’s in Kim Kardashian, who got smacked, hit by something or embarrassed on Worldstar.com.

When sitcoms and dramas aren’t enough, we watch reality TV with the hopes that there will be drama. But when we get in relationships, what do we not want? Drama.

That’s a lie. We want it, we just want it on our time, and we want someone else to experience it for us and solve it. Next time I want to be scared, I’m hiring a spooky little white girl to jump out of my closet once a week randomly and just leave the house afterwards, no questions asked.

Comment if you like scary movies.