Monday Ramble #58 “Ten Reasons To Be Scrooge This Year”

10 Reasons To Be Scrooge This Year

1.Merry Christmas
When is anyone ever really merry? Unless you’re a leprechaun, or a Smurf, or a gnome, or an elf, or one of the Merrymen, I can’t see it. Merry includes sing-talking, jovial dancing, and spreading cheer to others so they feel better or worse about the life they’re living.

Chances are they’re going to feel worse. When I think of anyone being merry, I envision tights, footsies, ukuleles, rainbows, orange moons, green clovers…you get the idea.

Not even slaphappy toddlers fit the description. How did this word become the sole adjective responsible for well wishes on December 25th? No one ever says, “Have a delightful Christmas,” or “Hope you had a swell Christmas.” I’m just saying, I don’t want to be merry.

2.Carol Lyrics
What the hell is a one-horse open sleigh anyway?

I’ve never seen a two or three-horse open sleigh, nor have I seen a closed one. How do I know what fun it is? Who’s standing by this testimony? “Jingle Bells” sounds like a big lie to me.

Not only does dashing through the snow on one of those things sound dangerous, but I doubt I would be laughing all the way. And if I did, whose laughter sounds like “ha ha ha ha” anyway? Not mine.

And you know what else I’ve never done…decked a hall. I’ve never had halls to deck. I’ve had hallways. And we didn’t deck those. Deck is short for decorate I’m assuming.

I never knew what boughs of holly were as a child. I still don’t know what a bough is and it sounds like I wouldn’t want holly in my hallway or my halls.

Either way, ‘tis the season to be jolly. Jolly and merry are pretty much the same to me but I do think jolly isn’t meant to describe poor, deprived people. The rest of the words in that song have something about gay in them. I do dig “Joy To The World” although someone jacked up the possessive pronouns with “preparing him room” and all that.
It happens.

3.Giving > Receiving
It’s better to give than receive? Is it? Sure you feel great inside for a brief moment, and maybe it’s cool to light up someone’s life with a gift that they love…but what if they hate it? What if they say, “This is…niiiice, thank you so much.” All while they give you a fake smile. And what if you’re not even there when they open it? So you get an email thank you.

“Oh I loved the scarf you got me.”

Did you? Love? A scarf? No you didn’t. You appreciated the gesture. I’m broke, you’re broke, so the fact that I got your kids something was really enough but hey some of us try and go the extra mile and brighten someone’s Christmas morning.

Most of the time we fail. Your life partner was expecting something that says, “I will always love you” but you got something that says, “This is what my love can afford.” Or maybe you told them the day after Xmas is when the sales go down and they got something hot coming by the 27^th the latest. Most likely life won’t play out like those sappy Lexus commercials where a car is the Christmas gift. Really? I didn’t even know Lexus had a jingle.

It’s all about the kids anyway. In that case, it is better to give because presents from kids suck unless they’re really from a parent who writes the kid’s name on it. I used to hate that, I was three years old and totally upset that I would get included on a gift for some old person that I had nothing to do with. But I got over it eventually and started shelling out cash for my own Christmas contributions.

And I found out counting toys so I could go back to school bragging about how much my parents loved me was way cooler than telling people I spent my allowance on some cologne for my dad and some decorative piece for the house that was meant to be a present for my mother.

I was a much better receiver than quarterback, pause.

4.Merry Xmas
How did Christmas turn into Xmas? I don’t know. I think it was a joke that was started by the folks that tried to out Jesus on the cross. He came back in a few days, and years later dude got a holiday and a religion named after him. Someone said “well let’s abbreviate this long ass day with a C.”

“No, no, an X is better because it’s two crosses like he died on.”
“Oh word. That does mean something.”
Voila. There you have it. Xmas was born. And some people get really pissed off when you write it. If I were a big Christ aficionado, I would denounce the term too.
We never call him Jesus X. Unless I missed something. I kind of like Jesus X though. Sounds rebellious.

5.The Santa Lie
If you grew up in apartments with no chimney, you stopped believing in Santa very early. I was one of those kids. The holiday was ruined because some of my presents still had the guy’s name on it. It just didn’t add up to me. My mother made up some story about him taking the elevator or coming through the window to pacify me. But I think it would have been better to just tell me Claus didn’t come to certain neighborhoods.

6.Rudolph’s Dying

7.The Grinch Factor

I kind of feel sympathetic when it comes to The Grinch’s story. He was just a man-looking, money-colored creature with a mission to prove that presents and toys didn’t define the sacred holiday. It’s not like Grinchy took the gifts and sold them for drug money. He didn’t even open them up. He just wanted to steal the joy from Whoville. And in essence, he proved that Christmas was about love and a bunch of other crap. Man I empathize with that dude.

No one saw that he was the outcast in a group of little people that looked like each other and all he had was his dog. There were no Grinch girls around for him to spend time with and his moves were sort of similar to a dictator. Or maybe it was like a poor people revolution where they rob all the rich folks, or it was kind of like an Occupy Whoville movement.

Critics argue that the book criticizes the commercialization of Christmas and satirizes those who profit from exploiting the holiday. I got that from Wikipedia but who needs some smart criticism? All hail the great Grinch for his efforts to even the score.
8.Apple Revolution

iBooks, iPhones, iPads. There is a secret plot to get humans to kill each other for the sake of self-preservation. But the plan will not be revealed until iFood and iPeople are created. Steve Jobs’ soul will not rest. Don’t be a part of the revolution ladies and gents. Fight the i.

9.Secret Santa Sucks

Prove me wrong if you dare. But you know what it’s like to get something for someone you don’t dig. Or receive something from someone that doesn’t dig you. Then there’s spending limits so you have to be thoughtful. And other times there’s no limit so someone goes overboard and cops an Xbox when all you bought was a Bath & Body basket. It’s the thought that counts right? I’ve never paid for anything with thoughts.

10.Jesus Was Black

Or maybe he wasn’t. Personally I don’t care, but those pesky African-Americans want him down with their team. Who cares what color he was?

“Oh it says in the bible, his skin was bronze and his hair was wooly.” He was Rasta, I get it. Y’all own the man.

All this says to me is that people want to claim Jesus. My whole life I’ve been viewing him as a Kenny Loggins/Michael McDonald type guy. And I was comfy with that. Then all of a sudden I get the news that Christ is mixed with Blackness and the original man is one of color and I got all confused. And now here I am trying to make sense of it all. But then again I’m not.

A Black Jesus doesn’t change anything. But it does make me wonder about the whole effect that holidays have on the economy and how churches get big money around this time of year. Don’t be a part of it. Become cynical, put coal in stockings, join the naughty list, Santa is close to Satan if you have dyslexia.

Fine don’t listen to me, get presents, sing carols, spread cheer, be with family, eat food, do what you want. Merry Xmas!

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