Monday Ramble #49 “Monkey Business”

Monday Ramble #49 Monkey Business

I’m heading to a wake and funeral for a childhood friend of mine today so I have no brainpower to write anything without it being deep and dark. With that said, I am choosing to go back to my original format and ramble randomly so that my depression does not spread to your heart and yet I still get to vent.

I recently watched Rise of The Planet of The Apes and I was totally disturbed.
Not because of the movie but because of the idea that I had a few years ago to create a crew of “murder monkeys” that would carry out deeds for me.

I just feel like my idea is going to get swiped now. And don’t take the term literally, I don’t need my apes to actually take lives, I just figured that if there was an alternative gang to the Bloods and Crips and MS-13s, then kids would have some fear in their hearts.

If there was a real monkey gang that I had some sort of pull with, that would definitely shake up some of these so-called hard youths. I wrote a whole chapter on it in my book that has yet to reach stores, and now they’ve gone and put the concept in the streets.

People are probably copping monkeys right now and training them to sling drugs, or shoot bad guys or something.

Oh well…you know what I was thinking about the other day: if someone has crust in their eye, you wouldn’t have an issue telling them, hell you would even touch it if you had to.

But if they had something in their nose, you wouldn’t know how to break the news, and you definitely wouldn’t touch it.

Why is that? They’re both hardened forms of bodily fluid.
I guess it’s because eye gook is loosely related to tears while boogers are solidified forms of mucus.
And mucus and snot aren’t friendly words at all.
If someone had twins named Mucus and Snot Jackson, you would make the face your making now just reading that out loud.

And yet I know folks named Booger.
Anyway, snot is all slimy, and boogers tend to have specs of leprechaun color in them. So yea maybe I understand why you would run from nose crust but it doesn’t make it right.

You know what else is wrong? When you have to park in a tight space and there are people outside looking at you waiting for you to botch it up.
You don’t want to have to start over and pull out because these strangers who are trying to look like they aren’t looking at you, are looking at you.


And they’re just waiting for the chance to say, “Look at this idiot, can’t even park in that big ass space. Need some help man?”
That’s the last thing you want. No one ever wants ‘unsolicited stranger parallel park assistance.’ If you need it and you ask for it, “Sir, can you tell me if I’m close to that car?”

No! You don’t want to give some stranger the power to direct your life. You focus and get the whip parked correctly in one try. If not, you’ll have to deal with one of the most annoying motor vehicle experiences.

The most annoying would be a male asking for directions after being forced by his lady because they are lost.

Men don’t get lost, we may not know where we are, or how to get to where we’re going, or we may get turned around, miss an exit and have no clue how to find our destination while our location is unknown, but lost is something else.

I don’t think I’ve been lost.
Well maybe in another country, but even then I didn’t ask for directions, I just asked people if they knew a certain street name and how to get there, that’s different.

Speaking of different, I was arguing with this kid on the basketball court last week and for some reason I called him a bird, or a chicken or something, and the word “poultry” came out of my mouth. Now I know the word poultry is no place for a park in the hood of Brooklyn, New York where the teenagers aren’t the wittiest…but I didn’t expect him to say he wasn’t a “pole tree.”

No one bothered to help him out as he explained to me that he may have been slim but he was strong…so I guess calling him a “pole tree” wasn’t a strong enough insult.

Now I want some chicken. I get hungry very easily, and I’m one of those people that can’t leave the house without constructing a meal plan in my head. Should I eat before I go, while I’m there, do I have to buy food, can I bring food?

Church would be crazy popping if they served appetizers. Just a thought.

I don’t think I’m going to do the whole murder monkey thing after writing this. I just feel like they might turn on me at some point and I don’t know if I’m ready for that kind of disappointment.


I do think that the original movie will become real life and we humans will be ape slaves in a few thousand years.

Well not me, because I won’t be there unless I’m in ghost form. I hope they have ghost food.

And it would be great if someone shows the Ape leaders this piece, and the chapter in my book, and they honor me, and my music gets played at primate parties and on monkey radio after the takeover.

I’m almost at 50 of these ramble things and you guys are still checking for the kid. Who the hell is the kid? Always wanted to use that. Thank you all. R.I.P Kampane aka Rhian Stoute.