I would like to start this piece by saying that I am not good at many things. That sounds a little too negative so let me begin again, I am great at writing words that rhyme, I’m decent at basketball, I graduated with honors from college, I can keep my eyes open for a long time without blinking, I can read signs like “stop” and “yield” from hundreds of miles away, I can heal myself without (health insurance) ever seeing a physician, and I don’t have the best memory on Earth but I have at least two pin numbers, three phone numbers and my own social security number stored in my head. I hath amazed you, I know this, I feel it.
Aside from all that, I think one of my greatest attributes isn’t really an attribute, but I have an innate ability to store toilet paper before I need it. I don’t know how attractive that is or if it would work as a bragging right. I know some guys talk about their cars, or money, or jewelry. Not many of them can boast about having at least two family size packages of no less than 24 rolls of Charmin or Scott Extra Soft unopened in their linen closet as an unmarried dude. If they can, then I salute them. But this is my claim to fame since I am so bad at many other things.
I decided to run down some of my faults, not because I would like to improve on them but because I have time on my hands.
Sometimes I am on the phone with a business representative and after a transaction they give me a confirmation number. Or sometimes they have to spell out an email or a name and this is where the “assigning letters to a proper or improper noun” action takes place. You know the drill, “S as in Sam, A as in apple, B as in boy, etc.”
I don’t know how people come up with these so fast but I assume they go through alphabet-noun training. I love English, I knew the alphabet backwards when I was 38 months old, I’m a wiz at (cheating at) Scattegories, I’m moderately strong at Ruzzle, and I used to pride myself on solving word jumbles in the newspaper when I was young. But if I have to spell out my email or my name or something using nouns to represent each letter, I always get stumped and I feel crazy.
Monday Ramble #56 “The Numbers Game” (My Book Is Here!!!)
For those of you that don’t know, The Brother Victorious, our co-host Jasmine and I have a Blogtalk radio show that we broadcast every Tuesday evening at 8pm called The Emotion Picture. I am dropping a new CD entitled The Calling with coast2coastmixtapes.com hopefully on January 12th of 2012.
On December 10th of this year, I am pre-releasing my book full of these rambles and 100 copies will be available.
Why am I telling you this? So you can tune in, buy, listen, support or whatever it is that will cause the numbers to go up. Why do we want numbers to go up? Why does anyone want numbers to go up? So people can see the numbers, think you’re doing it big, follow you on Twitter, talk about you, make you halfway famous and somehow, someway, one day the numbers in your bank account can magically go up.
The only numbers we want really low are bills. When you open up a bill you always hope that it’s zero. Like maybe the bill people messed something up, or the phone company forgot about you, the landlord or mortgage company didn’t count November for some reason, or possibly you didn’t use enough electricity so they gave you a month on the house. That never happens though. Instead, those numbers represent what you owe.
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