I know that I’m on my own planet with this one but there’s something that I’ve always wanted to do in my life even though I have never found the strength or the courage. It may not make any sense whatsoever but it has been my dream for a while to speak like Yoda from Star Wars when I do on camera interviews. I always thought Yoda was so mysterious and insightful and it would be different to address people like a Jedi master when they ask me what’s going on in my world… “Working on new album, Stimuli is.

Very hot, songs are. Happy, I am…” I’ve tried it in a few conversations and people laugh at first but I always stop before they get annoyed or weirded out. I don’t know if it would even be funny or if the interviewer would look at me like I’m crazy if he/she didn’t know me but I’m sure they would wonder when I’m going to stop. But I would just keep going with it, predicate before subject in every sentence for like a half hour and right when they think, ‘maybe this is how this guy talks,’ I would probably forget and just speak regularly.

While everyone is talking about Chris Brown beating Rihanna up and saying things like “She should’ve used that umbrella” or “How can she breathe with no air?” I’m not gonna go there. Instead of making hydro jokes about Michael Phelps or thinking of some cool way to incorporate the Stimulus package into a song/marketing plan with my stage name in it, I’m analyzing TV commercials trying to figure out how can I get down with the Geico movement.

I know insurance is big business but how much money are they bringing in that they can afford 5 ad campaigns simultaneously? The cavemen, the talking gecko and the stack of money with fake eyeballs on it staring at people are not really crazy concepts but they work pretty well together. I’m just waiting for the day these marketing geniuses realize that an artist on Geico records (me!) would win.

I’m sure when Burger King decided to reinvent the “King” himself with the big head mask guy they knew they had something. Where was this dude when I was a kid? If he’d been around I’m sure he would’ve given Ronald McDonald a run for his money. That stoic face, the robe and tights, the fact that he plays football and breaks in people’s homes; then shows up in their bedrooms with a sandwich is truly hilarious to me. Granted if he would’ve been at my 7-year old birthday party I might have ran like hell in fear but someone might have laughed. And years later…I would have too.

Does Subway really think we don’t get the sexual undertone with the $5 footlong song? And how come it sticks in my head whenever the commercial comes on? Damnit, it’s there now!

Does anybody else watch Yo Gabba Gabba! and Hip Hop Harry? I mean anyone that doesn’t have kids. Kids shows have better music than the radio.

Is anyone going to tell Tyler Perry that the Madea plays were cool and the movies were comedic in a slapstick, predictable sort of way but as far as television goes that’s another story? Meet the Browns is nowhere near as funny as House of Payne…and House of Payne isn’t even funnier than Major Payne was…which wasn’t funny at all. The only thing I feel watching House of Payne is actual pain. I’m exaggerating but I do feel a bit of pain for our race and for anyone that would think this or that Flavor Flav show are representations of Black sitcoms. Don’t mind me, I just get bitter because I don’t think I’m over Homeboys in Outer Space.

All this television talk got me to thinking about the cast of the Fresh Prince of Bel Air. Not Will Smith or Alfonso Ribiero. Carlton had some directing gigs, I see Ashley’s on her grind but what about the rest of the folks who used to work with this clowny rapper everyday for like 6 years?  I saw Vivian Banks, I mean the old, original Vivian on the Bernie Mac show but before that I was worried about her and if she was still in the doghouse for bailing on the family. How come Karyn Parsons (Hillary) didn’t get the call for I Am Legend or Pursuit of Happyness? Isn’t she as pretty as Salle Richardson and Thandie Newton? And what about the big head kid that played little Nicky? He’s got to be like 20 something and his claim to fame was hanging around Tyra Banks and Will Smith when he was a kid. The moral of the story is you never know. If you’re the Ron Johnson or the Dwayne Wayne of your school or workplace, don’t be mean to Lena James because one day she may just become rich or marry someone really wealthy and she’ll be too busy to come to the reunion shows or even pretend she knows you if she bumps into you…sad, life is.

-The Present