Am I A Hater?

 

For the last two decades, the term “hater” has been one of the most overused and unfit labels for any human with a personal opinion. I feel like there are times when I don’t give a certain kind of food, or a television show, or an artist a chance because of something indescribable that just turned me off. Does that mean I’m hating on The Walking Dead if it didn’t grab me like everyone else? I believe when it comes to peanut butter, Tyler Perry programs and Wale, I may just fall into the category of being a “disliker.”

As a coach and an educator, I have the unofficial job of mentor/counselor for students. They often talk to me about social, scholastic, domestic and extracurricular issues. Then there are times when sports and music dominate the convos, and since I’m not completely out of touch, they assume I can almost relate. Last week two young ladies, one a senior in high school, and the other a sophomore, decided to share a musical selection with me and a co-worker. They didn’t only share the song, they sang these lyrics word-for-word:

 

“I just bought a pistol, it got 30 rounds in it,

Pull up at yo momma house and put some rounds in it,

Wet a nigga block and watch them niggas drown in it,

Hunnid round drum gun a nigga down with it,

I’m on that Slaughter Gang shit, Murder Gang shit

Slaughter Gang shit, Murder Gang shit

I’m on that Slaughter Gang shit, Murder Gang shit

Slaughter Gang shit, Murder Gang shit”

 

And then they spit the first verse…

 

“I’m on that Slaughter Gang shit

Take a nigga bitch,

Nigga yous a bitch ’cause I ran off with ya shit

I’m a real right blood and these niggas counterfeit

You don’t pull up on the ave pussy boy you get dipped

I bought a brand new drop and then I poured me up some drop

Young Savage real street nigga y’all ain’t on no block

Bitch keep your legs closed ’cause all I want is top

(At this point my boy and I stopped them to inquire if that last line about keeping legs closed and wanting top were cool with them. They laughed and said that no boy could ever say that to them, but on a song it was funny.)

I pull up and pew pew pew y’all gone call the cops

21″

The hook came back in… Read the rest of this entry »

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Monday Ramble #38 Go Within Or Go Without

Monday Ramble #38 Go Within Or Go Without

Have you ever gotten so disturbed by other people so much that it made you look at yourself and analyze your own issues? Me neither, but if I did I’m sure I could find a bunch of things I don’t dig about myself.

And so I write:

The Hater.

-I hate humans that are great tiny talkers. I can’t compete with their thoughtfulness and insightful questions as I shift my shoulders, play wrap-up music in my head and search for the uncertain ending of our conversation.

-I hate the fact that Bernie Mac and Michael Jackson aren’t alive, primarily because I didn’t meet them.

-I don’t like the fact that I watch some of Tyler Perry’s movies with the hopes that the newest one will be better than the last one. But it never is, and I lose precious moments of my life. I don’t blame Tyler, he’s rich and he’s a smart man. It’s my fault.

-I hate The Situation for coming up with a better stage name than most of us.

-I dislike people that panhandle without the panhandling uniform. I’m not saying some of us aren’t underprivileged out here in the world, I’m just saying if you’re gonna ask for money, look the part please.
I don’t want to limit this to New York, but my hometown is the one place I’ve seen folks begging with name brand gear, fresh haircuts and the scent of Versace Blue Jeans or something. At least have the decency to skip the fragrance. That’s just disrespectful, you’re slapping me in the face because I don’t have the small amount of pride that it takes to go from train car to train car politely asking for contributions.

I realize you can make more per hour than the average minimum wage worker but does that mean you’re on your grind? No it doesn’t. Display a talent, show that you have a nice speaking voice or some dance moves, not that you have fashion sense. I am prejudging and discriminating like the rest of the world. And I don’t dig that about me.

My Verbiage.

-I don’t like myself for always saying, “pause.” I’m not homophobic but it’s a fifteen-year habit I can’t seem to break. Has it been that long? Yes, and you would think that I could just stop saying “pause” but I have truthfully only paused saying “pause” for brief moments of time and maybe pausing was all I was supposed to do because if I stop then there may come an instance where I didn’t say it and…forget it, now I hath confused myself.

-I actually used the word “swag” for lack of a better word. I used it twice last month and the delay right before I got it out was like 4 seconds. Everyone that was listening to me chimed in with “swag” to assist me as if to say, “come on, you can do it…say it…join us”
And so it was done. I was pissed.

-I can’t believe I still call Black people, “Black” and White people, “White.” We’re not even close to those colors; Tan and Peach make more sense. I still say “nigga” too.

Contradicter.

-I don’t enjoy being on the phone as much as I did when cell phones initially became the standard way of life but for some reason if no one calls me I feel neglected. I can not touch my phone for hours and then look at it and I want to see double-digit text messages, emails, a missed call or two, some Facebook love, a few Twitter mentions, what’s wrong with me? Is this the same as checking your answering machine after being out all day and hoping you have a whole lot of messages? Yes it’s pretty close.

-I know this sounds weird…but I rap. I look down on rappers and I rap. When someone asks me what I do I don’t claim to be a rapper but I still rap, and sometimes I am embarrassed. People ask what’s going on with it? What’s your rap name? Are you trying to get a deal? I have to group myself with the foolery that exists, then get advice from acquaintances about how to get more poppin’. They aren’t the blame for my issue. Sha is.

My Mind.
-I talk to myself and answer. I mean I conduct interviews like a psychopath. And sometimes the questions are in Oprah’s voice. And if it’s a wack question it’ll be Tyra Banks’ voice in my head. She asks some foolish stuff sometimes…but I answer anyway.

-I don’t like the fact that I’d rather be comfortable than fashionable. That’s just lame.

-I am totally upset that 79% of the time that I have a face-to-face conversation with someone I imagine punching them in the face out of nowhere. Who does that? But I picture it in my head and I think, ‘I wonder what this person would do if I just caught them in the jaw mid-sentence for no reason.’ That’s not cool.

-I eat food sometimes and get sad when I’m almost done because I’m still hungry. I go to sleep thinking about breakfast most nights.

-I don’t know how to play video games. Even deeper than that is I hate doing things I’m not good at…for example, I went to a batting cage and missed every ball and I was so upset at baseball the sport. I am still bothered by the pastime itself and I apologize for that.

-I judge people based on their knowledge of movie lines, Seinfeld, grammar skills…I’m just slightly off and I know that now. I mean I always knew it but it’s surfacing more as I open up to the world. Is this a pessimistic post to start off the week? Maybe, but only if you view it that way.  Who’s the cynical one now?


Monday Ramble #31 Love Hater

So you didn’t get anything for Valentine’s Day, and you’re feeling down about it. You forgot it was Black History Month and totally decided you would focus all of your attention on your social life and your lack of someone in your world that cares enough to send you the very best.
But you don’t really care about Black people anyway. If they don’t know their history by now, they’re not going to get it in the 2 weeks left in the month.
Should you be down about not getting flowers or candy…or a card or some symbol of affection from a loved one…or at least a secret admirer?

Yes you should. Unless you remember being back in school, and seeing the girl with the massive balloons and big ass teddy bear going from class to class, hitting the lunchroom, then the train ride home with Valentine luggage to show off, and you felt lucky that that wasn’t you.

I would hold on to that feeling if I were you, she wasn’t better than you then, and she isn’t now.

I could never get anyone all of that stuff back in school because at some point I would have to be seen with it…and teenage love isn’t that strong. I got someone a gift one year like an idiot back in the days. I don’t remember (too embarrassed to say) what the gift was but I conformed to society’s pagan holiday, and I felt foolish once the person I got the crap for, received junk from other dudes…and everyone knew about it. What was I thinking? I requested a Valentine and got turned down basically. What the hell was that about? If she said yes, what was next?

Now as an adult, we’re still hung up on gifts and monetary displays of adoration. We’re falling for it again.

I know, I know…your co-worker just got some beautiful arrangement sent to her desk right on time. Oh your friend just got proposed to this morning in some special way. Get outta here. That’s sweet.

No it isn’t. They won’t last. People send themselves flowers all the time. If you’re single don’t be discouraged. There’s nothing like being single because number 1 is the best number. Everything else is a downgrade. You’re gonna read a lot of Facebook statuses today that may piss you off.

And there will be expressions of love everywhere. But you know what? Tomorrow is February 15th. And hate will rule again. I’ve seen it. Trust me.

The whole relationship concept is overrated. What’s the point of liking someone, figuring out how much you can tolerate of them, then loving them, then telling them not to mess with anyone else, while you lock yourself down? Then y’all wanna live together, share finances, look at each other change shapes, cross lines of privacy, reveal idiosyncrasies, meet family members then ultimately make offspring and be tied together forever.

My friend you have dodged a bullet. You know how many people were on the verge of breaking up, then Feb 14th rolls around and a good deed makes a couple continue to kill each other slowly? It’s sickening.

You really want to spend your weekends worrying about some human being letting someone else rub on them? You actually think it’s a good idea to be with one person for the rest of your existence?

Variety is the best thing on earth. You don’t even wear the same head scarf two nights in a row…you can’t stand leftovers…if someone says, “huh, what did you say?” and you have to repeat yourself, you’d rather not, you’re above repeating…

So what makes you think you can be with the same person day…then night…then day again, then another evening and they’re still there, and so on until y’all hit the dirt?

Think about it…and you want some damn candy. Go speed dating tonight, get bent, sleep with someone, get up and walk away, feel better for it. Happiness is not around the corner, it’s right here. Look at Oprah Winfrey, she never got married and she’s a billionaire. Tyler Perry’s paid and he’s single. Can that happen to you?

Probably not…but you can have your own reality show looking for love. Ok, so first you may just have to get on a reality show competing for someone else’s love and if you’re a big enough personality you’ll get a spin-off, but that’s not too farfetched.

Speaking of reality shows, I was watching Hell Date the other night on BET and all I could think about were the auditions for the role of the devil. I can imagine a lot of midgets came out competing for that slot, but with only one little line to say, how did they choose?

“You on hell date!” That’s not hard to mess up, I’m sure the competition was intense.

If I were to go on that show as the date from hell, I would be the cheap guy. I would be asking the server about the prices, ordering water and an appetizer for me, cringing after she orders the $25 seafood platter, saying, “No dessert menus, we’re good.”

And I would ask her to go half or itemize what she got and ask for that exact amount. Even without cameras I think that’s a good idea, I may have to have a midget come out and say his line for her to get the joke…but I would still go Dutch.

Why do Dutch people go half anyway? I would hate to be from the country named after that. “I can’t afford this, let’s go Costa Rican.” That would suck. Dutch people should be pissed.
I lost my train of thought. What is a train of thought anyway? Is that a metaphoric symbol for different ideas linked like train cars? Wouldn’t that make it a train of thoughts? And how would you lose that anyway? Even metaphoric trains aren’t tough to find.

I don’t know what I’m talking about, oh I saw some of The Grammys, I watched most of it on Twitter as people commented on everything.

I remember as a kid, I didn’t watch the rock or country performances…now as a grownup, I don’t watch the rock, country or rap performances.

I’m joking, but I know plenty of people expressed their opinions about artists and their wins, how they looked, how they sang so I’m not gonna bore you with more of that. But you can feel free to mention them, Nicki Minaj was_____, Oh man Lady Gaga looked_____, Drake’s hair, Diddy’s speech impediment, Usher did what to Bieber?____. Go ahead, chime in, I’m not hip enough.

Am I still going? This is long as hell.

A lot of folks were upset about Guru not being listed as one of the entertainers that passed away last year. These are the same folks that gave Milli and Vanilli an award…and refused to televise the rap award that The Fresh Prince got for about a decade years ago. Relax people. Enjoy your love day.

You made it this far, might as well leave a comment, it means a lot.