Monday Ramble #31 Love Hater

So you didn’t get anything for Valentine’s Day, and you’re feeling down about it. You forgot it was Black History Month and totally decided you would focus all of your attention on your social life and your lack of someone in your world that cares enough to send you the very best.
But you don’t really care about Black people anyway. If they don’t know their history by now, they’re not going to get it in the 2 weeks left in the month.
Should you be down about not getting flowers or candy…or a card or some symbol of affection from a loved one…or at least a secret admirer?

Yes you should. Unless you remember being back in school, and seeing the girl with the massive balloons and big ass teddy bear going from class to class, hitting the lunchroom, then the train ride home with Valentine luggage to show off, and you felt lucky that that wasn’t you.

I would hold on to that feeling if I were you, she wasn’t better than you then, and she isn’t now.

I could never get anyone all of that stuff back in school because at some point I would have to be seen with it…and teenage love isn’t that strong. I got someone a gift one year like an idiot back in the days. I don’t remember (too embarrassed to say) what the gift was but I conformed to society’s pagan holiday, and I felt foolish once the person I got the crap for, received junk from other dudes…and everyone knew about it. What was I thinking? I requested a Valentine and got turned down basically. What the hell was that about? If she said yes, what was next?

Now as an adult, we’re still hung up on gifts and monetary displays of adoration. We’re falling for it again.

I know, I know…your co-worker just got some beautiful arrangement sent to her desk right on time. Oh your friend just got proposed to this morning in some special way. Get outta here. That’s sweet.

No it isn’t. They won’t last. People send themselves flowers all the time. If you’re single don’t be discouraged. There’s nothing like being single because number 1 is the best number. Everything else is a downgrade. You’re gonna read a lot of Facebook statuses today that may piss you off.

And there will be expressions of love everywhere. But you know what? Tomorrow is February 15th. And hate will rule again. I’ve seen it. Trust me.

The whole relationship concept is overrated. What’s the point of liking someone, figuring out how much you can tolerate of them, then loving them, then telling them not to mess with anyone else, while you lock yourself down? Then y’all wanna live together, share finances, look at each other change shapes, cross lines of privacy, reveal idiosyncrasies, meet family members then ultimately make offspring and be tied together forever.

My friend you have dodged a bullet. You know how many people were on the verge of breaking up, then Feb 14th rolls around and a good deed makes a couple continue to kill each other slowly? It’s sickening.

You really want to spend your weekends worrying about some human being letting someone else rub on them? You actually think it’s a good idea to be with one person for the rest of your existence?

Variety is the best thing on earth. You don’t even wear the same head scarf two nights in a row…you can’t stand leftovers…if someone says, “huh, what did you say?” and you have to repeat yourself, you’d rather not, you’re above repeating…

So what makes you think you can be with the same person day…then night…then day again, then another evening and they’re still there, and so on until y’all hit the dirt?

Think about it…and you want some damn candy. Go speed dating tonight, get bent, sleep with someone, get up and walk away, feel better for it. Happiness is not around the corner, it’s right here. Look at Oprah Winfrey, she never got married and she’s a billionaire. Tyler Perry’s paid and he’s single. Can that happen to you?

Probably not…but you can have your own reality show looking for love. Ok, so first you may just have to get on a reality show competing for someone else’s love and if you’re a big enough personality you’ll get a spin-off, but that’s not too farfetched.

Speaking of reality shows, I was watching Hell Date the other night on BET and all I could think about were the auditions for the role of the devil. I can imagine a lot of midgets came out competing for that slot, but with only one little line to say, how did they choose?

“You on hell date!” That’s not hard to mess up, I’m sure the competition was intense.

If I were to go on that show as the date from hell, I would be the cheap guy. I would be asking the server about the prices, ordering water and an appetizer for me, cringing after she orders the $25 seafood platter, saying, “No dessert menus, we’re good.”

And I would ask her to go half or itemize what she got and ask for that exact amount. Even without cameras I think that’s a good idea, I may have to have a midget come out and say his line for her to get the joke…but I would still go Dutch.

Why do Dutch people go half anyway? I would hate to be from the country named after that. “I can’t afford this, let’s go Costa Rican.” That would suck. Dutch people should be pissed.
I lost my train of thought. What is a train of thought anyway? Is that a metaphoric symbol for different ideas linked like train cars? Wouldn’t that make it a train of thoughts? And how would you lose that anyway? Even metaphoric trains aren’t tough to find.

I don’t know what I’m talking about, oh I saw some of The Grammys, I watched most of it on Twitter as people commented on everything.

I remember as a kid, I didn’t watch the rock or country performances…now as a grownup, I don’t watch the rock, country or rap performances.

I’m joking, but I know plenty of people expressed their opinions about artists and their wins, how they looked, how they sang so I’m not gonna bore you with more of that. But you can feel free to mention them, Nicki Minaj was_____, Oh man Lady Gaga looked_____, Drake’s hair, Diddy’s speech impediment, Usher did what to Bieber?____. Go ahead, chime in, I’m not hip enough.

Am I still going? This is long as hell.

A lot of folks were upset about Guru not being listed as one of the entertainers that passed away last year. These are the same folks that gave Milli and Vanilli an award…and refused to televise the rap award that The Fresh Prince got for about a decade years ago. Relax people. Enjoy your love day.

You made it this far, might as well leave a comment, it means a lot.

Monday Ramble #30 “Fan”Tasy Sports

My team didn’t win the Super Bowl. Let me rephrase that, my team wasn’t in the Super Bowl.
Come to think about it, I don’t have a team at all. And I just came to that realization this morning. I don’t play fantasy sports, not because they aren’t cool but because I don’t have friends to explain how they work or to compete with. No! Don’t feel bad now and invite me into your league. I’ll forget that I’m playing and lose terribly and then you will have wasted your precious time.

And it’s not because I’m busy or anything, I’m just bad with doing anything daily that’s not eating or cleaning myself.

With that said, all these years of my life I’ve been rooting for the Giants, hoping North Carolina’s basketball team wins, blah blah, blah and for what?

Being a fan of a professional sports team gets you absolutely nowhere. The only outcome is continuous disappointment. If it’s your college alma mater or your kid’s soccer squad, I say go hard, but losing your lunch over some millionaires that don’t know you or need you is too much.

Sure I was happy the Lakers won 2 years in a row, but now I’m all worried they won’t win again. And you know who doesn’t care? The Lakers.

I don’t have stock options; I’m not related to anyone on the team, I’m not even from LA. And yet here I am, watching avidly, calling myself a fan. A fan of a team isn’t like being a fan of an artist.

If Chris Brown was to hit another woman, chances are he would lose fans, they would buy less records, stop coming to his shows, and hurt his career directly.

If Kobe allegedly rapes another woman, he’ll get backlash, a loud boo here and there…hell he may even lose an endorsement or 2 but people will still go to the games. His jersey would still sell, he wins no matter what.

And his paycheck won’t get altered. He gets a salary. I’m a fan of someone with a job. And he’s not even the only person responsible for the team winning. At least if I’m a Tiger Woods fan, it’s all on him if he loses. Team sports have a lot of folks to blame. The more people down with you, the more finger pointing.

Imagine being on a football team and you play defense and you’re on the sideline when some wide receiver drops an open pass that could’ve won the game. I would be pissed. How pissed can you be sitting in your living room watching though? Do I have the same right? It’s entertainment isn’t it? For the fans?

Don’t believe that, fans don’t get anything but fanship. No key chains, no mini-trophies. When we fill out census forms, they should ask you for your favorite teams. And when they win a title, you should receive a bonus check in the mail for $25 or something. Or a free ticket to next year’s game, or season 2 of random TV shows like Bones or House or Dexter even. The show should definitely have 1 word, and the 2nd season would make you have to get the 1st season. This would have nothing to do with your team but this is what should happen. Cross marketing.

What if you were a fan of the Bulls in the 90’s and had to wait like a decade and a half later for them to be contenders again? Just admit you liked Jordan and give up on them already. It’s ok. Or maybe you liked the Knicks back when Patrick Ewing and his coco bread kneepads were dominating.

In 2011 you can be a fan again. But that took entirely too long, Pat’s son is a college grad. People were Cavaliers fans just last year, now they’re sending death threats to Lebron and throwing out racial slurs.
If you think about it, people are upset at a dude for changing companies. I thought he was a punk too but now I see the error in my judgment.
If someone leaves Mr. Pibb to go work for Pepsi, can you really be upset? Some of you don’t even know who Mr. Pibb is.
They were burning his jersey in Cleveland. That’s like a Sprint worker burning my old bill because I switched to TMobile and I took my number. That is kind of disrespectful on my part but I don’t think it’s that serious to want to kill me.

Recently, my favorite old lady greeter at Wal-Mart left and I thought she re-retired, but I heard she went to Costco. I was like, “I don’t have a Costco card. I can’t root for you.” But I didn’t burn her old apron.

It crossed my mind but I didn’t. Look all I’m saying is continue to be a fan if you want to, go to games, spend $40 on food and drink while you’re there, argue with your friends about statistics, google those stats while you’re out on your smart(ass)phone, wear team colors, make songs, lose bets, and think nothing of it.

Or change teams every season when the playoffs roll around like I’m about to do, and when you’re at next year’s Super Bowl house party or this year’s March Madness shindig, be sure to go pee when the action’s happening and not during a quiet commercial. You’re welcome.