Ask An MC on hhlo.net Open Relationships…Do they exist?Posted: January 10, 2011 Filed under: MONDAY RAMBLE 2 Comments
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Ok, I realize some of you out there need therapy, advice, a virtual hug, whatever it may be. And a lot of those things either cost or cause you to leave your home. I am not a licensed physician at all, nor am I a therapist. I am just like you, except I have the heart to tell you the truth when you won’t tell yourself. So ask me about the industry, ask me about relationships, ask me about the best way to steal someone’s lady or how to tell a person they need hygiene help. Go ahead, ask an MC…
My friends and I have been having a debate about “open relationships”
and we wanted a man’s perspective on it. Are open relationships truly
open? What does it really mean to have an open relationship? And if
two people agree to one, is there a need for boundaries?
– Lani from DC
An open relationship always ends up being a “hope”n relationship. Someone hopes it goes further or hopes it ends. Most relationships are “open” when 2 people begin the dating process. Guy doesn’t have any claim on Girl but he digs her enough to spend a dollar, talk about her interests and hopefully exchange orgasmic goof faces. Girl figures Guy is physically decent, has some things going for him and is a candidate for the long haul.
This strange “unclosed” relationship you speak of is rarely agreed upon. Most people are in them without knowing. But for argument’s sake let’s say there is an evolved lady out there that is career driven, into herself or is just seeing someone that doesn’t make her change her Facebook relationship status so she says, “Hey let’s just see what happens.”
Normally a dude would light up, see the opportunity to gallavant around town, see her when he sees her with no obligation for sleeping over or faithfulness, and even throw honesty into the equation when it comes to who else is getting blessed with his equipment.
With that said, all an open relationship is, is a grenade wit the pin halfway out. Of course for it to work one would need boundaries. You didn’t see when Elaine and Jerry tried it? The rules were sleepovers optional, next day phone call optional, hanging out became dating, and this was just sex…Elaine folded in less than a week, (or a half hour in sitcom world).
“Open” would mean both parties can do what they want and still come back without any inquiries.
What rules work for that? Let’s see…
1.Don’t ask don’t tell.
If you’re doing your thing, I don’t want to know, I don’t want to see, I don’t need a title, I won’t check your phone or email. If I bump into you with someone on your arm, I say, “Hi” and keep it moving (This will last 1 month).
2.Our time together is our time together.
Same basic concept, this just suggests that if you’re busy with another individual, a fight should not ensue. If you don’t get a birthday party invite or you see pics online with someone else cheek-touching me, you don’t have the right to beef. (This one will last until an issue arises).
3.No meeting of family members.
This is tricky but once you meet brothers, sisters, parents, etc, opinions form, questions arise, openness fades slowly.
4.If you get serious with someone else holla.
It’s really difficult explaining to someone you just had a ball with on Tuesday, that you’re thinking about committing to someone else on Friday. I’ve done it though, and maybe at the worst possible times, but it needs to be done to limit bloodshed.
5.If you catch feelings speak up.
Don’t start to fall for the person you’re in an open relationship with, without spreading the word. If Christmas comes and you received a card and a kiss, and you gave jewelry and an Ipad, something’s off, say something.
6.Don’t make love.
Keep it lusty, unromantic, and fun. If you start sleepovers, toothbrush leaving, and post climax conversation, you may have a mate sooner than you think.
7.Don’t make a baby.
I shouldn’t have to remind you about protection but one surefire way to close an open deal is to bring in a human that’s related to both of y’all that you have to take care of. It happens everyday.
“You’re having a baby? I didnt even know you were seeing someone.”
8.Watch your words.
“I love you” is taboo. Pet names are dangerous. Introductions as “this is my friend” might offend. See #10
9.Keep jealousy to a minimum.
If you’re one of those trouble starters, phone checkers, Facebook invaders, loud talking drinkers that snatches people up at lounges then be careful when you’re in an open relationship. It may just not be for you.
10.Have “The Talk”
We as men, hate to hear these words, “What are we doing?” We know that means that someone is looking to define what’s going on. And if the girl we’re dealing with is not “the one” then we want to avoid that talk at all costs. But from what I learned from my major in college (open relationships) is that talking about it works wonders. What should I introduce you as? What do you want from me? Why do you think I would be a good boyfriend? Do you really just feel sort of insignificant and sometimes a tiny bit slutty and do you think a title would justify us sleeping together or do you just not want me messing with other chicks? These are some of the questions men need to throw out there if the talk happens.
On the contrary, when men catch feelings it’s different. But women shouldn’t be delicate at all. If he wants to close the openness and you don’t…tell him, tell him early, thru email, phone, text, send your friends a message about it, get your locks changed and get a friend on the police force. Rejected men make up 61% of prison inmates (I made that up).
The best open relationships are long distance ones, strictly sexual ones, cheating spouses, or 2 people that are feeling each other out. Follow these rules or walk away.
i’m basically in this situation now, these are great rules. i’ve been slippin on #6 and i can already see the writing on the wall. damnit.
You’re good at this. Keep ’em coming! Love the rules – very well thought out. 😉