MONDAY RAMBLE PART 20 “FREE BABY”

You know one thing I was never good at…baby holding. I don’t mean like toddlers or even giant infants that will let you know they’re not feeling you. I’m talking about brand new to the earth, pink faced, weeks old specs of human life with placenta scent still on them. I have no clue why people want me to handle their baby if I look hesitant. I don’t think it’s cute to see some grown man look uncomfy but maybe it’s all for a good chuckle so I’m always down for that.

However, if someone says, “nah I don’t have a gun of my own, I don’t really think I should hold yours” you’re not gonna load it with bullets, hand them your shotty and say, “You’ll learn now.” And babies don’t come with safeties. Ok I’m sorry for comparing infants to weapons but some of you raise your little gangstas with enough neglect that they might as well come with shells but anyway…


Let’s say this is like practice for the real event. And the real event would be me having my own bambino. Then I wouldn’t even think twice, they show me the holding technique again…this time I actually listen, and I go for it. I was never a practice player. My own infant family members didn’t get picked up until they were able to hold their own heads in place. No bobble-head babies was my rule and it still is. And I would have the same caution if I had my own offspring that someone wanted to cradle and measure cuteness in my face. In today’s world, there’s too much multi-tasking, and I don’t need someone trying to text and babyhold on my watch.
Speaking of watches, does anyone else wear watches after the battery stops working? I don’t but I’m just saying, sometimes you have a nice watch and you’re too lazy to get a battery and your phone has the time on it if you really need to know, so you rock the sonofabitch. If someone asks for the time or happens to notice, I just say…I mean, you could say it’s Japanese time or “I think my watch stopped, what the hell?!” Yea I’ve never done that though.

I did get stopped one afternoon by a lady asking for directions and I wanted to tell her to make four rights (you’ll get that later) but I didn’t, all of a sudden I saw a young gentleman wearing a T-shirt that read “Free T-bone.”
I automatically paused mid-sentence thinking this guy was giving out steak coupons or something then it hit me…well after I tracked him down and saw there was a face on the back of his shirt. Wait a minute…T-bone is a human. This is one of those jail release campaign thingies. Dang. Just when I was in the mood for steak, well at least his name wasn’t Ribeye or Porterhouse, then that would’ve really grinded my gears.

I really started thinking about these shirts that folks wear for their homies locked away. I respect the R.I.P shirts, and I’ve even worn a “Free My Thug Friend” shirt before but I didn’t pay for it, and I didn’t know where to wear it. I don’t know if lawyers are presenting thee amount of shirts printed in their cases for clients. “As you can see your honor via Facebook and alltheparties.com, civilians are demanding my client be set free, they are wearing these very expensive, high-quality tees with the hopes that it influences today’s decision”
And I don’t know if a judge ever ruled in anyone’s favor because of the shirts. Maybe that’s what helped John Forte get out. I kind of get doing them for rappers because they’re known so if you have a “Free Lil Wayne” shirt or “Free Remy Ma,” its like you’re cool with them. “Hey look at that guy, he’s upset that his favorite rap person is behind bars, I like that.”

But sometimes, “Free Mandela” and “Free T.I” just don’t have the same connotation.
I think political prisoners make sense on a garment.
I think rapper that shot someone, is slightly different and maybe less likely to deserve shirt love.
But I could be wrong. What happens when they are no longer incarcerated? Do you return it so they can put “Thank you” or “Done” on the back?

I was tempted to start my own “Free Sha” shirt campaign. And when people ask if I were locked up, I would say, “We’re all locked up brother, our bodies are free but our minds are in captivity.” Then I would get all philosophical and try to sell one to them, but I think I may offend the real prison people and I don’t want to do that. One of my homies did get locked recently and I can’t front, I would cop a shirt if his fam was selling it to put in his commissary… somehow I doubt that bread ever goes there though. If I ever see “Free Gucci Mane” shirts in the Gucci store I go to every Monday after I write these, I’m gonna know something’s fishy.

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