ASK AN MC WITH ME ON HIPHOPLIVESONLINE.NET

Ask an MC with Sha Stimuli

Sha has been kind enough to take some time out of his schedule to help you, or just answer your questions. If you have something you would like to ask Sha Stimuli go ahead and submit your questions to AskAnMC@gmail.com. Who knows, maybe Sha can give you some life changing advice!

Ok, I realize some of you out there need therapy, advice, a virtual hug, whatever it may be. And a lot of those things either cost or cause you to leave your home. I am not a licensed physician at all, nor am I a therapist. I am just like you, except I have the heart to tell you the truth when you won’t tell yourself. So ask me about the industry, ask me about relationships, ask me about the best way to steal someone’s lady or how to tell a person they need hygiene help. Go ahead, ask an MC…

Dear Ask An MC (Sha Stimuli),

MONDAY RAMBLE 22 “DREAMS BE REAL”

It finally happened. The rumors I heard growing up about sleep moving up on the totem pole of life have become reality. Naps are now a thing of beauty, and although I still fight bedtime at night, when I fall out I am happier for it. Sleep is winning battles it used to lose all the time. The club used to destroy sleep in a face-off but now it’s not even close.

The messed up thing about sleeping is you can’t enjoy it while you’re doing it. For instance, you can be at Chick-Fila and say out loud, “These waffle fries are wonderful, and this lemonade is tear-jerking.” If you’re watching a good movie or playing naked twister you can acknowledge the fun your having and even hip anyone else in the room to your enjoyment. The point is, when you’re knocked out, you have to wait until you wake up to say, “That was some good ass sleep.”

Sometimes I try to wake up in the middle of unconsciousness just to appreciate it or maybe even dream about sleeping but that doesn’t work. They say that every time you’re asleep you dream. And sometimes when you wake up, you remember the dreams. I tell people about my intricate dreams once in a while and they ask me what I think they mean. And even though I majored in dream deciphering in college, I have no clue.

I don’t know if I believe that dreams about babies mean someone’s gonna die or a dream about fish means someone is pregnant. But falling down and hitting the ground might have something to do with dying because I can’t prove that one.

But I don’t know what it meant when I was running from the zombies and ended up in a supermarket talking to Jermaine Jackson about his hair products…

then I started yelling at the cashier as she morphed into a lunch lady at my high school cafeteria where the zombies had their own table playing spades…

and got into a fight and then we all decided to go play basketball…

and I got to the gym and realized I had dress shoes on and…

I forgot my shorts so I was asking everyone for extra shorts but nobody had any so they persuaded me to play in my boxers…

and Lebron James was there, and he kept trying to convince me to try out for the league, and I kept trying to convince him to loan me a million dollars…

then I said I was joking, then I said I wasn’t, and we went back and forth for 18 minutes with this joke…

and Joel McHale from The Soup was in the stands and he thought it was hilarious…

and Ray J started laughing, and so did this zombie that looked a little like Zoë Saldana but maybe it was just an Avatar creature…

I got mad and walked out of the gym, and luckily there was a beach right outside, unluckily there was some kids eyeing my chain, then they wanted to rap for me…

and one of them was good, but he was rapping in French and I couldn’t understand it, but this girl was dancing to his rhymes, well they said she was a woman…

I understood French all of a sudden, even though it sounded like parseltongue (Harry Potter) and they said the girl was the one from the R. Kelly tape and she had grown up…

I told them I had never seen the tape and they laughed at me because they explained that they were all vampires and could read my mind and they knew that I had seen the footage…

several times, and she was doing that same weird dance, and then it happened, I had to pee, I walked over to a bathroom, lifted up the toilet seat and for some reason I couldn’t go. And I woke up.

I don’t know what any of that means and I’m not going to analyze it at all. Some parts were in and out, and any dream interpreters out there, save your finger muscles, I don’t care about what my dreams mean. Night dreams are just like daydreams, whatever you’re thinking about just feels realer because you’re not awake. Try and sit some where awake for 8 hours straight and then attempt to write down the most memorable thoughts after the 8 hours are up, you’ll probably get a few names, faces, places, maybe even some scary thoughts; and that’s what dreams are. They are loose clips of the wack movie that you can’t express because you sound retarded trying to recall.

The only dream you should be aware of is the pee dream. Oh yea, you know what that is. That’s the dream to kill them all. You see the bathroom, it feels real, its like pee for Nintendo Wii…Nintendo Pii. This is how it happens when you’re 6, sometimes 60 and best believe the dream occurs in between, you just have the wits to wake up and handle your business. But as a kid, that warmth would stream down your leg and you would still be dreaming, relieved, toasty, thinking it’s all good…until…you realized you just became a statistic. You hath peed in the bed. I don’t even know how to put pee into the past tense correctly.

But you know what I’m talking about. How did we get here anyway? I’m sleepy now. But in a literal sense, keep your dreams alive if you have any, no matter how old you may feel, or how discouraged you might get. I’m talking about different dreams now, yes I drift…try to keep up…geesh. Anyway, tell me about your weirdo dreams and the ones you want to see come true.

You made it this far, go ahead and say something, it means more than you know…

MONDAY RAMBLE 21 “THINGS PEOPLE SAY”

We all say things, speak sentences, and throw out phrases that don’t always make the most sense, but that doesn’t stop us. And it starts when you’re a kid. If you’re crying and someone pats you on your back gently and says, “there, there.”  Most of us feel better…not I.

I was around 7 years old and I received a “there there” one time in camp after a bee sting had me weeping like a sucker. I looked up and answered, “Excuse me, they’re where?” The counselor dude repeated it, “You know, there, there?” I thought he said “they’re there” and I started looking around frantically. I thought more bees were there and that was frightening me. If this was a warning, it didn’t go with his sincere tone. He tried to explain that “there, there” meant feel better. I said, “Just say feel better, and stop trying to sound overly complex and cryptic my dude.” I had a strong vocabulary for 7.

I also remember being a kid and when someone was staring at you or being nosy, you would say, “mind your business” and they would come back with, “my mind is my business.” What the hell did that mean? Was that the best we could come up with as kids? I would hear someone say that foolishness and I would get so stuck. Your mind is your business? Excuse me 7-year-old peer, you must need more nap time. Who taught you that asinine buffoonery? That’s what I used to say to them. And then they would look at me all disturbed and then tell on me because I cursed, and then I’d run away and ask to go to the nurse. Things people say used to make me sick, and they still do to this day.

Sometimes I even find myself telling friends to have a safe trip. But when someone tells me that, I roll my eyes figuratively and think ‘thanks because I was planning on having one of the most dangerous trips ever known to man.’ Poisonous snake in my bag, I was going to run with some scissors on my way to the vehicle, I ripped the seatbelts out, got some blindfolds, Nyquil, whatever it takes to not have a safe trip, that was my plan before your wish, thank you so much for helping me realize the error in my ways.

That’s almost as bad as best wishes. That’s the most general of wishes ever.
You don’t rub up the genie in the bottle and just request the best as your wish. You get specific, but when it comes to others you just round it off.

Or have a good day…or night…or weekend. That’s it? Just the weekend? What about have a good April? You never get a whole month of good favor. You never know what that will do for someone.

Some women have told me to have a nice life. But I don’t think they meant it like you’re reading it. Either way, even if it were a curse disguised as a blessing, I wouldn’t mind a “nice life” wish here and there.

The point is we humans say some strange things out of habit. I am just an idiot who will admit that I don’t know what I’m talking about most of the time. My baby picture was deemed cute as a button by a relative of mine. And I looked at a button closely, I even gathered up about 12 or 13 the other night because I have so much time on my hands in between tweeting about things I’m not really doing. And I analyzed them for attractiveness and found nothing. Not that there aren’t cute buttons out there, but that metaphor didn’t leap out at me.

Nor does the term easy as pie. I’ve never baked a pie but I’ve seen the recipe and it’s not the simplest formula in the world. Easy as toast makes sense. But anything with ingredients and crust and combinations of bread, filling, and heat make for something that takes some brainpower.

Not as much as rocket science, the ever popular gauge of difficulty in the world. “Oh, you can figure out how to build a website, it isn’t rocket science.” Well my cousin told me she is a rocket scientist…she could have said rock science teacher but I know she got her degree online in 8 weeks. And even if it was Devry’s space program the point is, I’m not using that job anymore in my arguments.

When someone says, “you look skinny” or “did u lose weight?” and they scrunch up their face as if you’re on your deathbed. How come that isn’t deemed rude in America? Is slim supposed to be better than unslim? So that makes it cool? Can I say, “Damn, did you gain weight?” or “Congrats on the baby…Sir” no I cannot.

That would make me a prick and you would talk about me behind my back and in my face. And I wouldn’t want to say that anyway, because I would much rather wait until you walked away instead of confront you about your weight, what kind of jerk do you think I am?

Nah but seriously folks, people get personal and offended about the amount of pounds they see when they step on a scale. I say healthy is the way to go but what do I know?
I know what I do know, no matter what physical act I perform, even if it involves shaking my head, I vow to never write “smh” to another man in an email or text message. I’m not gonna call it feminine but I will say this, any time a dude emails me or texts me and adds “smh” I get the slow motion visual of a tight jean wearing dude sucking his teeth, shaking his head side to side with eyes closed saying “mm mm mm” at me or “shame shame shame.” And if that’s in the gay neighborhood then so be it. I don’t care if I truthfully shake my head with the most vigorous case of fake Parkinson’s…(which I just did after reviewing this rant I wrote) I just think “smh” reads weird.

Feel free to add your own things I missed or yell at me if I hath offended you.