Monday Ramble #39 Thank God?

Posted: April 25, 2011 | Author: | Filed under: Almost Funny, Just thoughts, MONDAY RAMBLE | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 9 Comments

Monday Ramble #39 Thank God?

There are people in your circle, maybe some relatives or a few friends that happen to be somewhat, slightly “over-religified,” and you may not know how to tell them.

Does someone mention the Lord a little too much? Is Jesus coming up in convos that he need not be in? Is Christ getting tagged in anecdotes, banter and overall everyday life by an acquaintance of yours while you cringe with the hopes that they would just let some occurrences be handled on Earth? Just send them this post and walk away.

The other day I thanked God that I didn’t leave my Blistex in the house. Then one time I gave him thanks for getting somewhere safely. One was trivial, the other, a little more understandable. But some folks have a habit of handing God and/or Jesus awards for things they have nothing to do with.

You know who I’m talking about. Those people that thank God the drive-thru was still open or the ones praising Jesus because their corns on their toes went down before sandal season, I get it. God Almighty fixes it all.

Does He or She really though?
There are instances where I’m not so sure the shout out to the deity of your choice is in order.

–The bedroom.

I know it may slip out. A “Oh God!” here, a “Thank You Jesus!” there, but being thankful you lasted long because she was gonna talk about you was most likely all your doing.
“Praise Jesus he wasn’t small,” technically you may have a case but I’m uncomfortable now…you know what I mean. Leave God out of it.

I’ve heard spiritual shout outs that the traffic slowed down…that the line at the DMV wasn’t long…that the babysitter was available so you could go to the club…that your spouse didn’t check your phone when you forgot to lock it. Really? We’re thanking God for some obscure things and I’m sure He’s saying, “Wasn’t me.”

But that doesn’t stop you does it?
-Sports.

I know we’ve been on teams where we pray before a game. Sometimes we ask to be injury-free but other instances we ask for Heavenly assistance for a victory.
Now I’m sure there’s some thanking going on once the game is done but don’t assume He chose your team over the losers.
God doesn’t pick one squad over another because you had a better prayer.


Ok so maybe you’re thanking God for the chance to win, or the will, or the physical strength but have you ever prayed for someone else to sprain an ankle? Well some of us are too specific.

Thankful those shoes were on sale? That you won that eBay auction?
That shawty’s man went away for a week?
God’s not accepting your award my friend.
Now that I think about it, according to the Bible, God did choose David over Goliath and he had Joshua kill a lot of folks and he did destroy the world with a waterslide so maybe he does pick sides.

You know I was in deep thought a few days ago when I saw a small part of the movie, The Ten Commandments and I noticed Moses with all his plagues and tricks that got the Pharaoh to let his people go and I wondered if God is a racist.

I mean he got the Hebrews out of bondage, bodied the first-borns of everyone, changed water into blood, parted a sea…but all the Negros got was Harriet Tubman and an underground railroad.

I guess it took some time to work out the kinks and now we’re all cool on the surface and if you think about it, Moses’ folks got jacked again years later with the whole Hitler debacle.

Well it wasn’t really the same people but you know what I mean. I guess God isn’t a racist after all; maybe he’s just slow with deliverance.

I’m sure glad I’m not a slave now. I wouldn’t be a good slave at all. And if I was in Moses’ place back in the days, and I found out I was really Hebrew after I had been an Egyptian prince, I know I would have kept it on the low and changed the game from the inside. I would have kept the perks, got the crown and then let my people go, he took the difficult route because of God and whatnot. It made for a solid story though.

So I guess I wouldn’t make a great slave or a strong deliverer. Well thank Jesus I’m not in the olden days. Is olden a word?

And when you thank Jesus, does God get jealous or does He think it’s ok because they’re like intertwined or whatever. I don’t know too much about religion but I think the Bible has some cool fables…I mean facts.

I don’t know why snakes don’t talk in today’s times, or why hair doesn’t give you strength, or why I couldn’t walk through fire, chill in a whale’s stomach or fight a giant… and the closest thing we have to miracle workers are David Blaine and Criss Angel but I’ll take it.

Thank Christ you read this…oh and sorry if I offended you and your beliefs. I’m not really sorry. Happy Easter!

Monday Ramble #38 Go Within Or Go Without

Posted: April 18, 2011 | Author: | Filed under: Almost Funny, Just thoughts, MONDAY RAMBLE | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , | 5 Comments

Monday Ramble #38 Go Within Or Go Without

Have you ever gotten so disturbed by other people so much that it made you look at yourself and analyze your own issues? Me neither, but if I did I’m sure I could find a bunch of things I don’t dig about myself.

And so I write:

The Hater.

-I hate humans that are great tiny talkers. I can’t compete with their thoughtfulness and insightful questions as I shift my shoulders, play wrap-up music in my head and search for the uncertain ending of our conversation.

-I hate the fact that Bernie Mac and Michael Jackson aren’t alive, primarily because I didn’t meet them.

-I don’t like the fact that I watch some of Tyler Perry’s movies with the hopes that the newest one will be better than the last one. But it never is, and I lose precious moments of my life. I don’t blame Tyler, he’s rich and he’s a smart man. It’s my fault.

-I hate The Situation for coming up with a better stage name than most of us.

-I dislike people that panhandle without the panhandling uniform. I’m not saying some of us aren’t underprivileged out here in the world, I’m just saying if you’re gonna ask for money, look the part please.
I don’t want to limit this to New York, but my hometown is the one place I’ve seen folks begging with name brand gear, fresh haircuts and the scent of Versace Blue Jeans or something. At least have the decency to skip the fragrance. That’s just disrespectful, you’re slapping me in the face because I don’t have the small amount of pride that it takes to go from train car to train car politely asking for contributions.

I realize you can make more per hour than the average minimum wage worker but does that mean you’re on your grind? No it doesn’t. Display a talent, show that you have a nice speaking voice or some dance moves, not that you have fashion sense. I am prejudging and discriminating like the rest of the world. And I don’t dig that about me.

My Verbiage.

-I don’t like myself for always saying, “pause.” I’m not homophobic but it’s a fifteen-year habit I can’t seem to break. Has it been that long? Yes, and you would think that I could just stop saying “pause” but I have truthfully only paused saying “pause” for brief moments of time and maybe pausing was all I was supposed to do because if I stop then there may come an instance where I didn’t say it and…forget it, now I hath confused myself.

-I actually used the word “swag” for lack of a better word. I used it twice last month and the delay right before I got it out was like 4 seconds. Everyone that was listening to me chimed in with “swag” to assist me as if to say, “come on, you can do it…say it…join us”
And so it was done. I was pissed.

-I can’t believe I still call Black people, “Black” and White people, “White.” We’re not even close to those colors; Tan and Peach make more sense. I still say “nigga” too.

Contradicter.

-I don’t enjoy being on the phone as much as I did when cell phones initially became the standard way of life but for some reason if no one calls me I feel neglected. I can not touch my phone for hours and then look at it and I want to see double-digit text messages, emails, a missed call or two, some Facebook love, a few Twitter mentions, what’s wrong with me? Is this the same as checking your answering machine after being out all day and hoping you have a whole lot of messages? Yes it’s pretty close.

-I know this sounds weird…but I rap. I look down on rappers and I rap. When someone asks me what I do I don’t claim to be a rapper but I still rap, and sometimes I am embarrassed. People ask what’s going on with it? What’s your rap name? Are you trying to get a deal? I have to group myself with the foolery that exists, then get advice from acquaintances about how to get more poppin’. They aren’t the blame for my issue. Sha is.

My Mind.
-I talk to myself and answer. I mean I conduct interviews like a psychopath. And sometimes the questions are in Oprah’s voice. And if it’s a wack question it’ll be Tyra Banks’ voice in my head. She asks some foolish stuff sometimes…but I answer anyway.

-I don’t like the fact that I’d rather be comfortable than fashionable. That’s just lame.

-I am totally upset that 79% of the time that I have a face-to-face conversation with someone I imagine punching them in the face out of nowhere. Who does that? But I picture it in my head and I think, ‘I wonder what this person would do if I just caught them in the jaw mid-sentence for no reason.’ That’s not cool.

-I eat food sometimes and get sad when I’m almost done because I’m still hungry. I go to sleep thinking about breakfast most nights.

-I don’t know how to play video games. Even deeper than that is I hate doing things I’m not good at…for example, I went to a batting cage and missed every ball and I was so upset at baseball the sport. I am still bothered by the pastime itself and I apologize for that.

-I judge people based on their knowledge of movie lines, Seinfeld, grammar skills…I’m just slightly off and I know that now. I mean I always knew it but it’s surfacing more as I open up to the world. Is this a pessimistic post to start off the week? Maybe, but only if you view it that way.  Who’s the cynical one now?

Monday Ramble #37 The Mystery Of Mister Cee

Posted: April 12, 2011 | Author: | Filed under: Just thoughts, MONDAY RAMBLE | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

For the 2nd week in a row I’m putting up my ramble on Tuesday. Primarily because I partied Sunday night and got a late start and secondly I couldn’t decide if I wanted to promote our radio show on online dating tonight or talk about the most popular topic taking over barber shops, radio shows, basketball courts and chat rooms; the mystery of Mister Cee.

I don’t have an opinion on this hot topic just yet so as I’m writing this maybe I’ll enlighten myself and reach some sort of point for even bringing it up.

Well people ask what I think about the situation all the time and I’ve said everything from “I feel bad for him” to “I think he wanted to get caught.”

I met Mister Cee a long time ago when I was a pre-teen and he was the road manager for Masta Ace. My brother was a part of Ace’s crew and producer for Biggie and I was fortunate enough to go to the studio and quietly hang around folks like Big Daddy Kane, Craig G and a few times there was Calvin Lebrun.
He was cool, humorous and most of all, he was down to earth.

Years later I ran into the world famous DJ here and there and we spoke about music.
He didn’t remember me but of course he acknowledged my brother, my grind and offered to help me out with my struggles to be heard.

One time at Hot 97 we spoke about the starving artists wanting their songs played at parties while the DJ is focused on keeping the party popping. I understood that point.

Another time at a video shoot, I eavesdropped on a convo he was having about New York rappers always rapping about the industry they don’t get love in, while Southern artists were having fun on records. I got that one too.

What does any of this have to do with his recent scenario?
It brings me to the moment in time where I heard Cee was arrested for being in a car exposed with a man. And I wasn’t surprised. Not that I saw him do anything like that but because I heard stories about him waiting outside of gay clubs and his prior arrests.
I brushed off these tales like I do most of the homosexual stories I hear about industry folks even though I figured anything was possible.

But once the police report was confirmed, plenty of questions arose. Will he confess? Will he continue to DJ? Who will hire him? And most importantly why is it an issue? The industry of music is one where there are plenty of men behind the scenes that secretly sleep with men in order to get further in their careers or because they simply like to.
This same business publicly condemns those who like the same sex and that fact is highlighted by our use of “pause” and “no homo” when we use phrases that double as statements with gay undertone.

So is the hip-hop legendary DJ wrong for his indiscretion or for his public show or is he under scrutiny for not addressing his supporters with a statement?
I say the latter, sure it’s your personal life and yeah you don’t owe anyone an explanation but if you’ve ever said “pause,” or alluded to the fact that “gay” was negative, and then you get caught receiving oral sex from a man, then I think it misleads people. As a public figure, one might feel he should let people know if the accusations are true, especially after his colleague Funkmaster Flex has boldly defended him.
As the line between personal lives and business cross, the listeners are continuing to tune into Hot 97 FM and they may even get a broader audience that’s waiting for a confession.
But what happens with Calvin? Will this just go away like Wayne’s smooch with Baby? Cee can’t put out a hot album and make us forget, similar to what Rick Ross did to his correction officer employment fiasco. R. Kelly was able to sing his way back in our hearts after we watched him urinate on a young woman.

But it was a woman, Ross had a job and Wayne kissed his…father? Oh well, this wasn’t on camera and Mister Cee doesn’t necessarily need record sales to survive.

But let’s think about the next step in this situation. Cee may choose silence, keep his job, endure the jokes and rapper punchlines that will suggest that he’s a man-lover and cleverly include “the finisher” and “going in” (especially in battle raps), but then one day he’ll most likely get disc jockey work again.

He may continue to deny the charges and claim he was alone in the vehicle, that the hip-hop cops are framing him and that the accusations made by Wendy Williams in 2007 were false.

Or things might change.

Maybe Mister Cee could admit that he is indeed attracted to men that dress like women or simply men that are men. Lil B’s ass-raping threats may become acceptable, homo rappers might surface and others will gradually come out, execs will defend him, he’ll DJ for Lady Gaga, gay people will start saying “play” instead of “pause” and homosexuality will really become what “Black” was during the Civil Rights movement.

Charlamagne said, “The hip-hop community, and black culture in general, is homophobic for no good reason; and this wouldn’t even be an issue if he could be who he was, comfortably, without people judging him.”

Some of us appreciate the homophobia that keeps artists’ lives personal and fear that curtain opening. Some of us would probably retire if gay became ok in the hood and behind the mic. But this is an ever-changing world we are in and in this moment, the hip-hop community could change with one arrest of one DJ and allegedly one young man. Stay tuned to see if The Finisher is finished or if he started a revolution.

What do you think he should do?


Monday Ramble #36 Alien Dating

Posted: April 5, 2011 | Author: | Filed under: Just thoughts, MONDAY RAMBLE | Tags: , , , , , | 3 Comments

These are song lyrics: “All my niggas get down like what, all my niggas get down like what.”

I don’t know what it means to get down like what or why DMX and his niggas do it but I know if you’re Caucasian and you just read that aloud you probably felt funny when you saw the word “niggas.”

And maybe when you sing a song that has that word you politely omit it in an attempt to be politically correct and not offend anyone.

But if a tree falls and there’s no one around to hear it, does it make a sound?
And if a White person sings “Jigga My Nigga” in the comfort of their own home are they racist?

I don’t think a word makes you a hater of a race. I mean if I was anything other than what people call Black I would probably not say “nigga” and I would feel awkward when the word is used.

But if my girlfriend was White, Green or Orange, would I be cool with her saying it?

It’s just a word right? What’s more important are the thoughts. How does she view me and my so-called race? Does her family think my darkness makes me a waste of sperm? Can we watch Chris Rock comfortably without wondering if his Black/White observations weren’t being over-analyzed and stamped on both of us?
Can I watch a Spike Lee movie without smacking her for no good reason? If she’s Spanish can she say “nigga” and can I say “spic” in front of company and it be all good?

If she’s Jewish can I make cheap jokes? Can I tease my Arabic shorty about suicide bombs and 7Elevens? No? I went too far?

I have been told by a few of my chalk-skinned basketball buddies that they drop the N-bomb here and there and it doesn’t mean they hate negroes.

What is racism anyway?
Isn’t it believing your race is superior?
Don’t we all think any group we belong to rules?
You big up your block, high school, country, neighborhood, fraternity, sorority, zodiac sign, gang, phone carrier, we affiliate ourselves with crews and clans all the time. We love separation. We need it. So we can point to others and say, “They’re not down with us, we’re better.”
We went from nigger to negro to colored to Black to Afro-American to African-American to nigga and it’s just like a band-aid on a gunshot trying to make a group of people feel like the furthest thing from a slave as possible.

I’m saying “we” like I’m a part of this African-American crew.

How the hell are we African and American anyway? They combined a continent of descent and the country we live in to make the name of a nationality. Really?

That’s like being European-Chinese or Asian-French or Australian-Indian.

See those aren’t as catchy but you get the drift.

The bottomline is, if you belong to a race or religion or nationality and you decide to love someone that is not of the same one, is that an issue?

When you make your list of characteristics and desires in a partner, is skin color on there?

Are you curious about the “other” side? Do you have pre-conceived notions that certain types of people have better credit while others might be stereotypically lazier?

Have you ever said to your friend, “I’m done with dating within my race, they don’t appreciate me?”

Or do you have a worldly, colorblind view that we are all humans and you ignore the fact that someone else doesn’t necessarily share your hue…or your primary language? And by doing that do you ignore the fact that others will notice and judge and pre-judge both of you?

How insane is it to be a White woman in love with a Black man but never acknowledge that the two of you are not depicted the same in America?

How much of an evolved human do you have to be to get over every prejudice, stereotype and notions that come with sharing a life with a person that is of a different origin?

Why should it matter? Love is love and if we were all blind, enlightened, or our physical appearance was so mixed up that we couldn’t pinpoint someone’s mother continent then the world be a better place.

Not really because we’d find something else to separate ourselves. Even the Smurfs had beef after awhile. Y’all let me know if dating and loving someone outside of your race even matters anymore. Will it even be an issue in 20 years? Does it matter now?

Tune in tonight April 5, 2011, listen to the archive later.

Monday Ramble #35 The Ex-Factor

Posted: March 28, 2011 | Author: | Filed under: Just thoughts, MONDAY RAMBLE | Tags: , , , , , , , , , | 5 Comments

Monday Ramble #35 The Ex-Factor

A friend of mine told me that whenever he was having issues with his wife he envisioned leaving her for this woman that lived across the street from him.
He said his neighbor was a single mother that was very attractive, friendly…almost too friendly and she left her curtains open quite often. He explained to me that the vision took him places he would never explore in real life; where he actually packed up all his things and moved right across the street to live a new life and show his wife that this new woman had all of the qualities that she didn’t.

Then he went on to tell me that the daydream would shift and those qualities that were missing in his wife were replaced by new issues of baby-father drama, unreal expectations, jealousy and finally he would picture himself looking across the street at his ex-wife wondering if he had done the right thing.
He said it was scary imagining himself across the street staring at his old house looking at his ex-wife…who would then be a single mother, attractive, mysterious, and somewhat sexy then all of a sudden, he realized he had a good thing. Or better yet, he has a good thing because those thoughts kept him in line.

The story enlightened me a little bit, the vision made sense, and I began to analyze the things in my life that I needed to look at from a distance in order to appreciate them more.

The greener grass theory caused me to actually write a song. And on our blogtalk radio show tomorrow (3/29/11) we’re going to discuss “How To Get Over Your Ex”. Not the pill, the person.

The concept of the Ex is as interesting as the letter “X” is. The two intersecting slashes that make it up seem so final. It looks like a stamp, like it really marks a spot. X is a strike in bowling, a ten in roman numerals, a symbol where you put your signature, and a rating for sexual content.
Some X’s are good, some have mutant powers, others are bad, but most are intriguing. I guess as a prefix it negates what you meant to a person. An x-lover, or x-boyfriend or x-manager all mean you were, but now you’re not.

How does one get over an Ex?

I’m not sure there’s one distinct method. Most of us wouldn’t know until we’re either confronted with feelings or have moved on to someone new. And even then the old feelings can still sneak up on you.

Does it mean you still want to be with someone from the past that you knew wasn’t right for you? Nah.
But there are theories that we never really get over a real Ex. I mean someone that dented our hearts. An individual we shared adult moments with that affected our lifestyles, altered our character, and shaped our being. Those people become a little more than stepping-stones and measuring sticks. They have solidified memories that draw comparisons. Whether the split was amicable or you got dumped, or they couldn’t get their act together, you still wonder “what if?”

And that is life. I feared commitment for years because of the “Ex-Factor.” My dating experiences always led me to believe that there was someone somewhere in every woman’s life that had the ability and open door policy to return whenever he wanted.

The Ex was a person that was actually a “Y” in her head. She knew he wasn’t right but she couldn’t figure out “Y” he always knew how to get back in.

He could say, “Oh I’m not ready to be your man but I want to see you, I miss you.” He could try, “Oh I’m in town for the weekend. I just want to talk.” Or he could be the father of her child that makes her feel like that college girl that snuck in his dorm room every time he comes around and she can’t resist the nostalgia.

I made a lot of those theories up in my head. And maybe being the “Y-Factor” person myself a time or two led me to believe that karma would serve me the fate of falling for someone that had a man-in-waiting ready to snatch back his old love no matter how cool I thought I was.

How many of us have felt threatened by your current significant other’s past?

You heard the name, you’ve seen the picture, and you may even know the person. You’ve viewed their Facebook pictures making that “is this what you liked?” face and you even flirted with the thought of clicking that “add as a friend” button but you knew questions would arise.
Are you insecure? Cautious? Jealous? Or are you foolishly human?

Now that your mind has drifted off into thoughts of the person or people that you think of from time to time from your past that you just didn’t click with at the time, think about what made you get over them.

Was it time that passed or was it someone new? Was it the fact that you looked in the mirror and said, “If they don’t want me, I will be fine,” to yourself?

Or did you just figure that you deserve better and this isn’t it?
Or are you not completely over the ex-hill? Are you still climbing, falling, slipping, waking up from dreams, having visions of what could have been, wishing you get one of those long emails from them that expresses exactly what you’ve been feeling?

Or maybe it happened without a conscious thought at all and your present moment is what you make it. Some of us don’t live off of memories and time-travel desires.
Are you over your Ex?

Monday Ramble #34 Thee End

Posted: March 21, 2011 | Author: | Filed under: Just thoughts, MONDAY RAMBLE | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 7 Comments

As some of you have done, I picked some teams to win in the NCAA basketball tournament that lost. And I was upset for 12 seconds about it.

In an ironic twist I played in a tournament game myself yesterday and was not victorious at the end of four quarters.
If someone had picked my team and had to watch us lose by one point they would probably be disappointed like I was. That brought me to the revelation that you cannot control everything.

And I thought about who came out worse in this ordeal, the person choosing a team or the actual team member? And then I got hungry and I forgot what profound question I had asked myself when it hit me…

Why am I concerned with March Madness when the world is supposedly near its end?

Why are any of us going to work, or not robbing banks or looting liquor stores or supermarkets or living out our sexual fantasies or saying what we’ve always wanted to say on our Facebook walls?

Because we don’t know if it’s all about to be over for real. I was told the date was May 21st or something. And that sucks for the babies and kids, I mean it sucks for everyone but I still think it’s just a rumor to make Obama look bad. Someone that disputed his presidency would just love to get a chance to say “42 Caucasian leaders of the free world and we all survived, one half-African and everybody dies…”

I’m not blaming Barack but I do know this, if it’s all ending soon I need some sort of confirmation and clarity on which religion is the winner.
I need to know who to pray to right away. I’m not saying I’m gonna switch teams but I will fill out my brackets differently.
If the Catholic’s way of confessing is the way to go holla at me, are the Jews the chosen people? Are the Five Percenters right? Should I have paid attention in that Mason meeting I snuck into? I know the Israelites are still on some corners going in, and even though a lot of them got haircuts after the ball dropped in 2000, there’s a chance that their philosophy was on point.
Who wants to get to Heaven’s gate and find out you were giving credit to the wrong deity? Not me. Jah? Allah? Zeus? Somebody throw me a bone here.

They told me accepting Jesus Christ as my Lord and whatnot would guarantee some other stuff that sounded splendid and I bought into that, I signed up years ago, so if that changed and there’s a new God like there’s new math I’m not up on…I’m just saying.

Not that I’m sure about the whole Heaven thing, I just think Hell would have to be easy as…well, Hell to get in. So they would probably be packed, therefore allowing more space in Heaven for people that had evil thoughts, but not so bad actions. There should be an action list and a thought list because most of us have daily thoughts about smacking infants, stabbing supervisors or poisoning significant others but we don’t do it.

And that’s why this omnipotent being that I have an open-mind about right now should understand and let folks in.
But what if there’s no Hell, Heaven, or purgatory crap anyway? And God is just “love” and the churches were made up years ago because every week people needed reminders why they shouldn’t kill someone that was poorer or uglier than they were. What better way to stop madness on earth than to suggest that in the afterlife you would be punished?


Well it scared me as a kid, mention Hell and I was really contemplating being burned over and over with some crazy demons eating my flesh then returning the next morning. That’s not what happens? Well it helped me not go to jail as a pre-teen.

So yea like I was saying, what if God is just a feeling and the bible stories were all just exaggerated tales of talking snakes, long-haired warriors, seas splitting, giants falling to boys, fatal floods, immaculate births, saviors healing, dying, returning and you giving a non-refundable tithe so you feel better about your weekly deeds of shame and indiscretion?

And all the different religions were just franchised moneymakers that derived from the same sun-worshipping theory that mirrors Christmas and Easter. I’m not going into that whole birth and resurrection correlation to the sun’s position but some of y’all know what I mean. Google it.

Or reincarnation could be the ticket, what if no one ever really dies? You just come back as a higher-evolved being of consciousness…or a lower one. And technically monkeys, cows and roaches are more advanced spiritually than humans so we may just return as one of them. Damn, I hath depressed myself.
That wasn’t my mission.

Wrap this up, I shall with some positive wishes for the end of the world:

-At least we will all share a death date.

-There’s nothing like knowing your enemies aren’t going to outlive you.

-The terminally ill don’t have it so bad after all.

-If your horoscope for that day mentions next week, you will know they’ve been lying all this time.

-Sex with a stranger? Not such a bad idea after all.

And although I don’t know how it’s going to happen, I hope it’s not nuclear or flames or even water again.

I think if “God person” is reading this, He or She should end it with some angels flying down and picking people up one by one so no one knows who gets dropped into the fire or brought to the clouds. You just see them fly away and…you know what…maniacal aliens would be better. It would force all races, gang members and maybe even some animals to ban together and fight for survival.

Dominicans would fight alongside Puerto Ricans, inmates and correction officers would hold hands, Klan members and Crips would join forces, dogs would align with cats, oh what an independence day it would be. If we all die like that, I’d be cool.

What do you think about the end being near?

Monday Ramble #33 Wake Up And Go [Video]

Posted: March 14, 2011 | Author: | Filed under: Just thoughts, MONDAY RAMBLE | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 5 Comments

Monday Ramble #33 Wake Up And Go [Video]

 

 

Monday Ramble #32 Stop Looking At My Moms

Posted: February 21, 2011 | Author: | Filed under: Almost Funny, Just thoughts, MONDAY RAMBLE | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 5 Comments

Do you remember being a kid and meeting one of your friend’s Moms for the 1st time? If your friend’s last name was Brown, you would say, “Nice to meet you Mrs. Brown” and she would say, “Nice to meet you little whoever you are.”
And it was all good. But then there was a time when you would meet someone’s Mom and the convo would start out, “Nice to meet you Mrs. Brown” and she’ll scowl and say, “Brown is his/her father’s name, and I hate that bastard. My last name is Pearson.”

Or something like that. And she might even point out that she isn’t a ‘Mrs.’

But as a kid, what do you know? It’s not the kid’s fault. If she hated that guy so much, she didn’t have to give her seed his name. Maybe she didn’t know how it would turn out. She also didn’t know that she was going to have a kid with another dude. And when she did, she thought this guy was the one.

And now just like Doughboy and Ricky’s mom, (Boyz ’N’ The Hood) she has a favorite babyfather, a favorite kid, and she’s throwing herself subliminally at some guy that looks like Laurence Fishburne who lives on the block.

The closest thing I’ve had to offspring was a cat when I was a kid. I took care of the little feline, emptied his litter box, bought his cat food, gave him water and spoke to him about drugs and peer pressure in the community.

It worked out well and although he lived to be around 90 years old, I don’t think it readied me for a human pet. I mean a baby. Sorry about that. I’ve watched a lot of kids though. If you ever need someone to watch your kids, I’m one of the best.

Oh no not babysitting, I mean watch them, I don’t do diapers or vomit cleanup or anything but I’m an excellent watcher. I can look at them, stare at them, I am exceptional at that, especially from far away. You should see my skills.

I am related to some children, I’ve hung out with them, conversed about school and kindergarten drama, I’ve even read a children story or 2…with animated voices and all that. If I did have a seed, I don’t think I would ever be cool with letting the little bastard…sorry again, out of my sight. I don’t trust babysitters. I can imagine being a single parent and trying to date someone. I would be so leery letting a person in my life that didn’t help me create the youngster.

The other day I’m watching What Chilli Wants and every time she gets with a dude, she starts mentioning her son and dudes start to get shook. The guy that was trying to get some TV time, maybe a little bedroom action with the consolation prize of a relationship is now faced with the thought of an add water, instant family.

The kid has to like you, respect you, and not try and kill you. Then you have to worry about the other parent in the picture. Does that parent still come around, still have beat-rights, are they paying some bills? Do you care enough to go that far?

The toughest part about dealing with a single parent is putting yourself in the place of the kid. You are Lebron James, and Delonte West is lurking around trying to be cool with you so he can get in and maybe get out once he’s done. Go ahead and envision all those tattoos, and some weirdo breathing heavy on top of the woman that gave you life.

But you don’t think about that, you’d rather be Delonte playing the role of the predator and your mission is to invade the birthplace of the little homie. And once you’re there you have to stay, or else you hurt a bunch of folks. How do you escape the notion that there is a child that isn’t yours but is going to pretend you’re the new parent with the hopes that a newer baby doesn’t get more attention, that your love will mirror that of a blood relative and that your disciplinary actions never provoke the phrase. “I’m not your child!!! (followed by bitch or nucca) ”

So you have to make a decision and try not to let the extra pressure affect your thought process. The opposite spectrum is the kid that’s really feeling you and vice versa; then you’re like Jerry Maguire rolling with the Mom just because you bonded with the little youth.

There are limitless scenarios to this unsolvable equation:

-2 Baby Daddies, 1 with drug habits, the other makes drug deals.

-2 or more Baby Mamas, one likes you, the other says she likes you or they all like each other and call you a bitch that doesn’t know he still wants them.

-Disappearing Baby Daddy with intrusive family that keeps getting your name wrong.

-Cool Baby Mama that gets child support not ordered by the court system so he has to bring it to her house…at night.

-Baby Daddy that wants to get back in so he buys presents for everyone…including you.

-Baby Mama that posts subliminal hate on Twitter but if you say something about it, you’re a hater.

-Baby Daddy that posts “The Real Family” pic on Facebook that you’re not in at Chucke Cheese, even though you were at the party.

-Baby isn’t a baby and wants money to leave y’all alone on weekends and can go to the club with you.

-Mother-in-law that wishes you would go away and the original family can work it out because her marriage didn’t work so she’s pissed at you and won’t let your mother receive a Nana or Granny moniker because she’s not blood and you don’t like her but you’re glad that she’s not phony about her feelings…or something like that.

Like I said, the different complications and situations can become elaborate yet beautiful.

And when it gets to the point where the child has to get called into the room to hear the explanation why Mr. Jamal is going to be spending the night and checking homework…or why Ms. Sharon was yelling at Jesus in Daddy’s bedroom the other morning, it’s real.

There’s no answer, solution or knowledge I offer you here today, all I can do is speak on what I see.

“The best advice is keep moving slow/’cause honestly, you don’t know what the future holds/one day you’re dating model broads, groupie hoes/next day you’re watching Pokemon and Yu-Gi-Oh…” –The Milf Song.

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