ASK AN MC WITH ME ON HIPHOPLIVESONLINE.NET
Posted: December 6, 2010 Filed under: MONDAY RAMBLE 1 Comment
Ask an MC with Sha Stimuli
Sha has been kind enough to take some time out of his schedule to help you, or just answer your questions. If you have something you would like to ask Sha Stimuli go ahead and submit your questions to AskAnMC@gmail.com. Who knows, maybe Sha can give you some life changing advice!
Ok, I realize some of you out there need therapy, advice, a virtual hug, whatever it may be. And a lot of those things either cost or cause you to leave your home. I am not a licensed physician at all, nor am I a therapist. I am just like you, except I have the heart to tell you the truth when you won’t tell yourself. So ask me about the industry, ask me about relationships, ask me about the best way to steal someone’s lady or how to tell a person they need hygiene help. Go ahead, ask an MC…
Dear Ask An MC (Sha Stimuli),
My girlfriend and I have been together for about six months now and
things, overall, have been pretty great. She’s goal-oriented, really
driven, supportive, etc. Except, a couple of months ago, I did notice
a problem. After picking her up from work one night, she climbed into
my car and a look of disgust came upon her face. “What are you
listening to?” She was referring to my Big Boi album. I now understand
that my girl HATES rap music. For a guy that lives, eats and breathes
hip hop, this is a very painful blow. She’s an amazing person
otherwise, but I don’t know how to reconcile this. I love my girl, but
hip hop is and always will be my first love. What should I do?
Sincerely,
Heartbroken Headphones
I thought I was feeling another shorty waaay back and then we got intimate and she smelled funny, another woman had unattractive parents, there was one that was beautiful and perfect but she had a mice/roach gang war in her crib…and bad kids.
MONDAY RAMBLE 24 LONG STORY, SHORT [Video]
Posted: November 29, 2010 Filed under: MONDAY RAMBLE | Tags: bestbuy, black friday, grace, monday ramble 11 CommentsMONDAY RAMBLE 23 VISUAL RAMBLING [Video]
Posted: November 22, 2010 Filed under: Almost Funny, MONDAY RAMBLE | Tags: HARRY POTTER, ILLUMINATI, KOOL-AID CONSPIRACY, sha stimuli 3 CommentsCHECK ME OUT MONDAY RAMBLE LIVE IN LIVING COLOR…LOOKING FOR CLOTHING SPONSORS..JUST KIDDING..BUT SERIOUSLY I AM
MONDAY RAMBLE 22 “DREAMS BE REAL”
Posted: November 15, 2010 Filed under: MONDAY RAMBLE 15 Comments
It finally happened. The rumors I heard growing up about sleep moving up on the totem pole of life have become reality. Naps are now a thing of beauty, and although I still fight bedtime at night, when I fall out I am happier for it. Sleep is winning battles it used to lose all the time. The club used to destroy sleep in a face-off but now it’s not even close.
The messed up thing about sleeping is you can’t enjoy it while you’re doing it. For instance, you can be at Chick-Fila and say out loud, “These waffle fries are wonderful, and this lemonade is tear-jerking.” If you’re watching a good movie or playing naked twister you can acknowledge the fun your having and even hip anyone else in the room to your enjoyment. The point is, when you’re knocked out, you have to wait until you wake up to say, “That was some good ass sleep.”
Sometimes I try to wake up in the middle of unconsciousness just to appreciate it or maybe even dream about sleeping but that doesn’t work. They say that every time you’re asleep you dream. And sometimes when you wake up, you remember the dreams. I tell people about my intricate dreams once in a while and they ask me what I think they mean. And even though I majored in dream deciphering in college, I have no clue.
I don’t know if I believe that dreams about babies mean someone’s gonna die or a dream about fish means someone is pregnant. But falling down and hitting the ground might have something to do with dying because I can’t prove that one.
But I don’t know what it meant when I was running from the zombies and ended up in a supermarket talking to Jermaine Jackson about his hair products…
then I started yelling at the cashier as she morphed into a lunch lady at my high school cafeteria where the zombies had their own table playing spades…
and got into a fight and then we all decided to go play basketball…
and I got to the gym and realized I had dress shoes on and…
I forgot my shorts so I was asking everyone for extra shorts but nobody had any so they persuaded me to play in my boxers…
and Lebron James was there, and he kept trying to convince me to try out for the league, and I kept trying to convince him to loan me a million dollars…
then I said I was joking, then I said I wasn’t, and we went back and forth for 18 minutes with this joke…
and Joel McHale from The Soup was in the stands and he thought it was hilarious…
and Ray J started laughing, and so did this zombie that looked a little like Zoë Saldana but maybe it was just an Avatar creature…
I got mad and walked out of the gym, and luckily there was a beach right outside, unluckily there was some kids eyeing my chain, then they wanted to rap for me…
and one of them was good, but he was rapping in French and I couldn’t understand it, but this girl was dancing to his rhymes, well they said she was a woman…
I understood French all of a sudden, even though it sounded like parseltongue (Harry Potter) and they said the girl was the one from the R. Kelly tape and she had grown up…
I told them I had never seen the tape and they laughed at me because they explained that they were all vampires and could read my mind and they knew that I had seen the footage…
several times, and she was doing that same weird dance, and then it happened, I had to pee, I walked over to a bathroom, lifted up the toilet seat and for some reason I couldn’t go. And I woke up.
I don’t know what any of that means and I’m not going to analyze it at all. Some parts were in and out, and any dream interpreters out there, save your finger muscles, I don’t care about what my dreams mean. Night dreams are just like daydreams, whatever you’re thinking about just feels realer because you’re not awake. Try and sit some where awake for 8 hours straight and then attempt to write down the most memorable thoughts after the 8 hours are up, you’ll probably get a few names, faces, places, maybe even some scary thoughts; and that’s what dreams are. They are loose clips of the wack movie that you can’t express because you sound retarded trying to recall.
The only dream you should be aware of is the pee dream. Oh yea, you know what that is. That’s the dream to kill them all. You see the bathroom, it feels real, its like pee for Nintendo Wii…Nintendo Pii. This is how it happens when you’re 6, sometimes 60 and best believe the dream occurs in between, you just have the wits to wake up and handle your business. But as a kid, that warmth would stream down your leg and you would still be dreaming, relieved, toasty, thinking it’s all good…until…you realized you just became a statistic. You hath peed in the bed. I don’t even know how to put pee into the past tense correctly.
But you know what I’m talking about. How did we get here anyway? I’m sleepy now. But in a literal sense, keep your dreams alive if you have any, no matter how old you may feel, or how discouraged you might get. I’m talking about different dreams now, yes I drift…try to keep up…geesh. Anyway, tell me about your weirdo dreams and the ones you want to see come true.
You made it this far, go ahead and say something, it means more than you know…
MONDAY RAMBLE 21 “THINGS PEOPLE SAY”
Posted: November 8, 2010 Filed under: MONDAY RAMBLE 14 Comments
We all say things, speak sentences, and throw out phrases that don’t always make the most sense, but that doesn’t stop us. And it starts when you’re a kid. If you’re crying and someone pats you on your back gently and says, “there, there.” Most of us feel better…not I.
I was around 7 years old and I received a “there there” one time in camp after a bee sting had me weeping like a sucker. I looked up and answered, “Excuse me, they’re where?” The counselor dude repeated it, “You know, there, there?” I thought he said “they’re there” and I started looking around frantically. I thought more bees were there and that was frightening me. If this was a warning, it didn’t go with his sincere tone. He tried to explain that “there, there” meant feel better. I said, “Just say feel better, and stop trying to sound overly complex and cryptic my dude.” I had a strong vocabulary for 7.
I also remember being a kid and when someone was staring at you or being nosy, you would say, “mind your business” and they would come back with, “my mind is my business.” What the hell did that mean? Was that the best we could come up with as kids? I would hear someone say that foolishness and I would get so stuck. Your mind is your business? Excuse me 7-year-old peer, you must need more nap time. Who taught you that asinine buffoonery? That’s what I used to say to them. And then they would look at me all disturbed and then tell on me because I cursed, and then I’d run away and ask to go to the nurse. Things people say used to make me sick, and they still do to this day.
Sometimes I even find myself telling friends to have a safe trip. But when someone tells me that, I roll my eyes figuratively and think ‘thanks because I was planning on having one of the most dangerous trips ever known to man.’ Poisonous snake in my bag, I was going to run with some scissors on my way to the vehicle, I ripped the seatbelts out, got some blindfolds, Nyquil, whatever it takes to not have a safe trip, that was my plan before your wish, thank you so much for helping me realize the error in my ways.
That’s almost as bad as best wishes. That’s the most general of wishes ever.
You don’t rub up the genie in the bottle and just request the best as your wish. You get specific, but when it comes to others you just round it off.
Or have a good day…or night…or weekend. That’s it? Just the weekend? What about have a good April? You never get a whole month of good favor. You never know what that will do for someone.
Some women have told me to have a nice life. But I don’t think they meant it like you’re reading it. Either way, even if it were a curse disguised as a blessing, I wouldn’t mind a “nice life” wish here and there.
The point is we humans say some strange things out of habit. I am just an idiot who will admit that I don’t know what I’m talking about most of the time. My baby picture was deemed cute as a button by a relative of mine. And I looked at a button closely, I even gathered up about 12 or 13 the other night because I have so much time on my hands in between tweeting about things I’m not really doing. And I analyzed them for attractiveness and found nothing. Not that there aren’t cute buttons out there, but that metaphor didn’t leap out at me.
Nor does the term easy as pie. I’ve never baked a pie but I’ve seen the recipe and it’s not the simplest formula in the world. Easy as toast makes sense. But anything with ingredients and crust and combinations of bread, filling, and heat make for something that takes some brainpower.
Not as much as rocket science, the ever popular gauge of difficulty in the world. “Oh, you can figure out how to build a website, it isn’t rocket science.” Well my cousin told me she is a rocket scientist…she could have said rock science teacher but I know she got her degree online in 8 weeks. And even if it was Devry’s space program the point is, I’m not using that job anymore in my arguments.
When someone says, “you look skinny” or “did u lose weight?” and they scrunch up their face as if you’re on your deathbed. How come that isn’t deemed rude in America? Is slim supposed to be better than unslim? So that makes it cool? Can I say, “Damn, did you gain weight?” or “Congrats on the baby…Sir” no I cannot.
That would make me a prick and you would talk about me behind my back and in my face. And I wouldn’t want to say that anyway, because I would much rather wait until you walked away instead of confront you about your weight, what kind of jerk do you think I am?
Nah but seriously folks, people get personal and offended about the amount of pounds they see when they step on a scale. I say healthy is the way to go but what do I know?
I know what I do know, no matter what physical act I perform, even if it involves shaking my head, I vow to never write “smh” to another man in an email or text message. I’m not gonna call it feminine but I will say this, any time a dude emails me or texts me and adds “smh” I get the slow motion visual of a tight jean wearing dude sucking his teeth, shaking his head side to side with eyes closed saying “mm mm mm” at me or “shame shame shame.” And if that’s in the gay neighborhood then so be it. I don’t care if I truthfully shake my head with the most vigorous case of fake Parkinson’s…(which I just did after reviewing this rant I wrote) I just think “smh” reads weird.
Feel free to add your own things I missed or yell at me if I hath offended you.
MONDAY RAMBLE PART 20 “FREE BABY”
Posted: November 1, 2010 Filed under: MONDAY RAMBLE | Tags: baby holding, free Gucci mane, free T.I, free weezy 15 Comments
You know one thing I was never good at…baby holding. I don’t mean like toddlers or even giant infants that will let you know they’re not feeling you. I’m talking about brand new to the earth, pink faced, weeks old specs of human life with placenta scent still on them. I have no clue why people want me to handle their baby if I look hesitant. I don’t think it’s cute to see some grown man look uncomfy but maybe it’s all for a good chuckle so I’m always down for that.
However, if someone says, “nah I don’t have a gun of my own, I don’t really think I should hold yours” you’re not gonna load it with bullets, hand them your shotty and say, “You’ll learn now.” And babies don’t come with safeties. Ok I’m sorry for comparing infants to weapons but some of you raise your little gangstas with enough neglect that they might as well come with shells but anyway…
Let’s say this is like practice for the real event. And the real event would be me having my own bambino. Then I wouldn’t even think twice, they show me the holding technique again…this time I actually listen, and I go for it. I was never a practice player. My own infant family members didn’t get picked up until they were able to hold their own heads in place. No bobble-head babies was my rule and it still is. And I would have the same caution if I had my own offspring that someone wanted to cradle and measure cuteness in my face. In today’s world, there’s too much multi-tasking, and I don’t need someone trying to text and babyhold on my watch.
Speaking of watches, does anyone else wear watches after the battery stops working? I don’t but I’m just saying, sometimes you have a nice watch and you’re too lazy to get a battery and your phone has the time on it if you really need to know, so you rock the sonofabitch. If someone asks for the time or happens to notice, I just say…I mean, you could say it’s Japanese time or “I think my watch stopped, what the hell?!” Yea I’ve never done that though.
I did get stopped one afternoon by a lady asking for directions and I wanted to tell her to make four rights (you’ll get that later) but I didn’t, all of a sudden I saw a young gentleman wearing a T-shirt that read “Free T-bone.”
I automatically paused mid-sentence thinking this guy was giving out steak coupons or something then it hit me…well after I tracked him down and saw there was a face on the back of his shirt. Wait a minute…T-bone is a human. This is one of those jail release campaign thingies. Dang. Just when I was in the mood for steak, well at least his name wasn’t Ribeye or Porterhouse, then that would’ve really grinded my gears.
I really started thinking about these shirts that folks wear for their homies locked away. I respect the R.I.P shirts, and I’ve even worn a “Free My Thug Friend” shirt before but I didn’t pay for it, and I didn’t know where to wear it. I don’t know if lawyers are presenting thee amount of shirts printed in their cases for clients. “As you can see your honor via Facebook and alltheparties.com, civilians are demanding my client be set free, they are wearing these very expensive, high-quality tees with the hopes that it influences today’s decision”
And I don’t know if a judge ever ruled in anyone’s favor because of the shirts. Maybe that’s what helped John Forte get out. I kind of get doing them for rappers because they’re known so if you have a “Free Lil Wayne” shirt or “Free Remy Ma,” its like you’re cool with them. “Hey look at that guy, he’s upset that his favorite rap person is behind bars, I like that.”
But sometimes, “Free Mandela” and “Free T.I” just don’t have the same connotation.
I think political prisoners make sense on a garment.
I think rapper that shot someone, is slightly different and maybe less likely to deserve shirt love.
But I could be wrong. What happens when they are no longer incarcerated? Do you return it so they can put “Thank you” or “Done” on the back?
I was tempted to start my own “Free Sha” shirt campaign. And when people ask if I were locked up, I would say, “We’re all locked up brother, our bodies are free but our minds are in captivity.” Then I would get all philosophical and try to sell one to them, but I think I may offend the real prison people and I don’t want to do that. One of my homies did get locked recently and I can’t front, I would cop a shirt if his fam was selling it to put in his commissary… somehow I doubt that bread ever goes there though. If I ever see “Free Gucci Mane” shirts in the Gucci store I go to every Monday after I write these, I’m gonna know something’s fishy.
You made it this far, might as well leave a comment, it makes a difference…Thank YOU!
MONDAY RAMBLE PART 19 “AMAZING GRACE”
Posted: October 25, 2010 Filed under: MONDAY RAMBLE | Tags: amazing grace, blessing, food, monday ramble, sha stimuli, table 16 Comments
There you are, at the dinner table, your significant other has invited you to eat with the family…it’s Sunday or the last Thursday in November or whatever and for some strange reason the guest of honor (you) has been chosen to say the blessing.
I’ve feigned a different faith to get out of messing up a blessing before. But there have been times when I couldn’t get out of the deed and it was on me to deliver the word of praise with a table full of folks before food consumption. It was one of the most worrisome moments of my life. I mean, you can’t technically get prayer wrong but there are certain instances where you want to make an impression, or at least not come off like a foolish heathen.
I was on a mission to produce a 46-second sermon style grace as I began running thru old prayers in my head. I thought about comic relief and starting off with a Talladega Nights inspired “sweet baby Jesus.” I could see Will Ferrell in my mind, I almost laughed out loud but then I thought ‘I can’t steal that,’ I wanted to but I didn’t know who had seen the movie, so it wasn’t a guaranteed giggle.
Then I got the idea to apply some off-the-top-of-the-head scripture, prayer book lines and maybe infuse something with a rhythmic pattern to show my…wait a minute, this isn’t open mic night, this is a conversation with The Creator! It’s simple, just thank Him/Her for the hands that prepared the food, some mumbo jumbo about family and us being together and don’t give special thankful shout outs for individuals because then you have to include everyone. Humans like a good prayer, but they like food a little more. Brevity is key.
I still got nervy, whoever was holding my hands got theirs soaked, I totally skipped the heavenly salutation and just started asking for crap, bless the chicken, bless the stuffing, bless Aunt somebody that cooked it, thank you for waking us up, look out for the folks that traveled. This was sounding like my last few minutes of a radio interview. Long pause…eyes open…see other eyes open…okay, Amen…end scene.
No congrats, pats on the back, extra Amens or anything. It was a below average C-minus blessing at best. It wasn’t worth a hell trip or anything but God wasn’t smiling. I’ve had better ones after that but then I felt like I just studied the script (not the scripture) a little better.
You know? Switching up the pitch, changing the tone, replace “naw mean” and “you feel me?” with “Father God” and “thank you Lord.” I’ve been around the prayer block a few times now.
Although there are still some instances where we go around the table saying what we’re thankful for and I really hate saying something bland or unoriginal so sometimes I say, “pass.” I think it’s funny but no one ever laughs at that…to my face. Other times I say, “Next up, I believe that’s me, let me shout out Allah and all the other spiritual deities…” if I’m in the mood to shock folks and amuse myself. Mostly that’s just in my head though.
This whole thought process got me to thinking about the prayer that begins, “God is great, God is good…” I thought I understood it as a kid, like God is so great, but then sometimes He’s just cool. Or maybe they gave His greatness a second thought, and retracted it. No that couldn’t be it, maybe He’s all things so He can be great, good, decent, asi-asi…and so on and so forth. Or maybe this was just about rhyme scheme. Good was supposed to rhyme with food. And it might have in the Old Testament.
No one knows if the head-bow, quick instant message really works. Has food poisoning ever broken through the blessing barrier? Can it kill E coli? What about the mad cows that were hospitalizing folks or even bubble guts? I would love to see some medical cases where food was supposed to take someone out but they nailed an “amazing” grace and beat the odds.
Either way, I’m gonna keep saying ’em…not just because chicks like church thugs…or I think God’s going to intervene and block botulism…or because it’s a force of habit…oh you thought I had a logical reason. I’m rambling damnit!
Nah truthfully there is always a time to reflect and be gracious for what you have, whether it’s a big dinner with family or a happy meal…or a sad meal. Grace is great, grace is good.
You made it this far, might as well leave a comment, it means a lot.
MONDAY RAMBLE 18 “@ THE MOVIES”
Posted: October 18, 2010 Filed under: MONDAY RAMBLE | Tags: monday ramble, movies, popcorn 16 Comments
One day I went to the movies and there was a couple there with a baby that had to be around 4 days old. The baby got going with the cries and yelps about 20 minutes in and I couldn’t help but think about what would possess these people to throw caution to the wind and bring out their brand new offspring instead of finding a sitter or something.
I get it, The Karate Kid remake or Saw 13 or whatever the hell I was seeing is pretty important and the fact that you guys just spat out a seed shouldn’t deter you from living the life you’ve always lived. Maybe these were the sitters and they were just like,
“Look we Fandangoed these tix and they’re not going to waste, all we gotta do is take turns going out the movie with the baby and just fill each other in on what we miss, cool? “
“Ok…But do you think we may disturb the other people if the baby cries? I don’t want to be an inconvenience.”
“Inconvenience, shminconvenience! They say silence your cell phones, Shateshanequa is not a cell phone.”
And that was that.
Coming attractions are like a movie within a movie. You can always hear someone with a loud “I’m seeing that joint” whisper if it’s a good one. The loud whisper concept still baffles me but more importantly, the number of attractions has gone up to like 6 or 7 nowadays. They make you forget what you came to see. Things usually even out though because the odds are that you’ll also forget what coming attraction was so good as well.
I purposely ate a nourishing meal before getting to the cinema but it never fails that the popcorn smell hypnotizes me. And then I’m calculating how much money I want to throw away to satisfy an unhealthy, finger food fetish. Once I give in, I know I’m about to spend sneaker money in one outing.
I hear theaters don’t make any money off of ticket sales, which is so backwards to me. That’s like a restaurant selling food, then giving the money only to the people in the kitchen and they split it with the farm that raised the animals…and Kelsey Grammer (he’s behind everything). Anyway this is why popcorn and a drink add up to around 42 dollars. And if you try to buy a small they offer you a medium for a quarter more. Then you ask to see the medium size and it’s like a tub-o-corn that you can’t really finish. And your potnah that you’re with doesn’t want any…
Until you get the 20 dollar small with a big ass drink with mad ice. Then they’re all in your popcorn killing it before the movie even starts and then 20 minutes of attractions later, either your popcorn has dwindled to the butter less, lukewarm, underdeveloped kernels on the bottom or your drink is an empty ice block and now you have a cotton mouth.
I always tell them to put butter in halfway then continue filling and then put butter on top but who am I kidding? That’s not butter, butter doesn’t look like that, it never has, and yet without it, that movie popcorn just isn’t the same.
I swear I would have been better off finding a stranger that got one of those large popcorns and since he can afford it, “just pour a little in my hand, I know you’re not gonna finish that bruh, thank you kindly”
Have you ever witnessed people clapping after a good movie? Man I hate to be a part of that. Applause in the movies! This isn’t a play. For whom do you clap my fair people? If this was Madea Comes out of the Closet…on Broadway, I would understand. The Social Network was great, Inception was confusingly entertaining but I’m not just going to put my hands together for a screen. Jennifer Hudson got a standing ovation in a crowded movie theater when I went to see Dreamgirls. Yes, they stood up…I take nothing away from her performance but it’s not like she was backstage to come out and take a bow. We couldn’t tag her in the applause, I say it was a waste but what do I know?
I hate when movies let out and everyone has to go to the bathroom at the same time. Urinal rules get broken and dudes are elbow rubbing, then we’re forced to pee in the stalls (I always pee in the stalls), hand washing gets skipped. I try to either dart in there right before the credits because I swear I just know when a movie’s over or I just accept my loss and let everyone else handle their biz and wait it out.
Either way, my effort gets thwarted sometimes and as I’m washing my hands getting ready for the Excelsior dryer that’s going to make the skin on my hands vibrate, some kind gentleman asks me what I thought of the film. Really? I’m Roger Ebert now? You care what I think? And now we must share ideas as I return the favor and ask you for your review of the film…no sir. I just came for the popcorn and the bathroom. He tried to tell me his opinion but I think he was the baby holder guy trying to get filled in on what he missed now that I think about it. So I’m glad I hit him with a smile/head nod/door-grab combo and got outta there. I’m gonna go somewhere and invent The Anti-Social Network. “Take yo baby home and get ya netflix on homie.”
You made it this far, might as well leave a comment, it makes a difference.
MONDAY RAMBLE PART 17 “CAN MEN AND WOMEN BE FRIENDS?”
Posted: September 26, 2010 Filed under: MONDAY RAMBLE 4 Comments
A female “friend” of mine called me for advice about a dude she’s seeing. I gave her the advice and she thanked me for being a friend. I told her I was in the friend “category” but I’m not truly a friend. I mean we’re cool as hell, we’ve known each other for years, never flirted and have no business interests in each other…all that points to the safest zone of male/female interaction possible, but does that make us friends? I say nah.
There are some women that I may speak with to share a laugh, that I wouldn’t mind helping out if they needed me and some who I sincerely miss if I don’t see them in years…and these are people I have never crossed any line with. But again, are we friends…acquaintances…homies…old schoolmates? Or maybe just 2 people that never got close enough to mess up the so-called platonic friendship we’ve maintained. How did Plato get a whole relationship named after him anyway?
The age-old question, ‘can heterosexual men and women be friends?’ is boring, redundant and incapable of solving in 1 post.
There are too many variables to the equation when you include co-workers, exes that morphed into the friend zone and people you bumped uglies with a few times to satisfy that animalistic curiosity. Curiosity kills cats by the way (do with that pun whatever you like).
So here I am to lay wisdom upon you.
Some instances where men and women can truly be friends…and the contrary. Add more if you like.
THEY COULD POSSIBLY BE FRIENDS IF…
1.Guy is unattractive to her.
She likes tall, he’s an elf
She likes slim, he’s burly.
She likes Black, he’s…you get the idea.
2.Girl being unattractive isn’t really enough because he’d still sleep with her if she came at him correctly. But if he’s in a great relationship and she’s undesirable to him then he most likely would turn down any advances or flirts. And if she knew that then maybe there’s a possibility that “not-so-hot” chick and cool looking Guy can be amigos.
3.Girl is former or current lover of Guy’s brother or father. Dealing with his Best friend isn’t good enough…he may still test the waters.
4.Guy is former or current lover of…give me a second…(7 mins later). Yea I can’t see a female being genuinely close with anyone that is dealing with her homegirl, sister or bestest buddy and it being platonic. She may be cool with homie but they ain’t shoe shopping and chatting bout reality shows without someone wanting more, scratch this 1.
5.If Guy has other intentions for the friendship, I.E getting to know her better-looking friends.
6.If Girl has ulterior motives, I.E business advancement or wants his homeboy.
7.If Guy and Girl are both happily married and the 2 couples hang out together, share jokes, stories and advice but Guy and Girl do not hide their conversations or talk outside of the group of 4.
8.If Guy is some sort of client of Girl and they email each other only about business and they both have invested interest in going further in their careers…and she has a famous, rich boyfriend…or is looking for one…and Guy is not rich and she’s out of his league…and he’s not cute to her…in any way…then maybe they could be pals…maybe.
9. (On 2nd thought) If Girl is attractive to Guy and vice versa they can still be friends. BUT Guy has to really be an evolved individual and they can never be alone indoors for any reason…or drunk at a party where she needs a ride…or on her birthday where she may think “it’s my birthday and I can do what or who I want and it doesn’t matter” or umm, he has to do top-only hugs at all times, and never look at her cleavage. There’s more rules to 2 hot opposite gendered people being homies but I still think if they’re not related…watch out.
10.If they have slept together once…or twice just out of curiosity but neither mention it again and 4 years minimum have passed, there is a slight chance that maybe they have defeated the sexual attraction that exists and can move on to a real friendship if and only if they have both found people they really like and realize that the sex had to happen to get it out of the way…but most likely they aren’t friends.
So you found your soulmate and he/she has a few opposite gender buddies that are not ugly enough for you huh? Well pay attention.
THEY ARE PROBABLY NOT FRIENDS IF…
1.Guy has ever offered a massage.
2.Girl has ever said, “I need a massage.”
3.If they go out and Guy pays.
4.If they go out and Girl reaches but Guy still pays.
5.If there is no chance for $ to be made by them meeting for dinner, lunch, or brunch.
6.If they have children together but they are cordial and he/she sleeps there sometimes…”for the kids”
7.If Guy introduces her by her name and not “this is my friend, Girl”
8.If Guy has masturbated to thoughts of Girl.
9.If they are co-workers and…Yea that’s it, any good looking people at work must sleep together at some point, they ain’t friends, don’t fall for the banana in the tailpipe…especially if
9a.Girl tells him what her man doesn’t do.
9b.If Guy tells her what he can do.
9c.If they smile at the thought of each other.
9d.If they work closely together when they don’t have to.
9e.If they speak thru email and no one else has their email passwords…
10.And if your spouse has an ex-lover that is now their “pal” or “besty” and the relationship has broken new grounds since they stopped having horizontal dance sessions, don’t be so jealous and jump to conclusions that Guy is still flirting because he thinks he has “beatrights”…or Babymama rolls her eyes at you…or Guy sends “I miss u” text messages at 12:30 am…or Girl writes private jokes on his Facebook wall…or Guy tags her in everything he posts…even with all of that, they might be friends. He may be over your woman…that chick may not care about your man.
There’s a high probability that they are 2 individuals on an enlightened path that have decided to divulge info, hang out with or seek the company of someone that isn’t their lover.
In summation, chances are if opportunities present themselves, if liquor enters systems, doors close, mouths shut, and phones lock, a man and woman may discover that the human they confide in is more than a private part in an emergency glass casing revealing the truest essence of “platonicism.”
Or they’ll get it in and realize what’s real…
They ain’t friends.
You made it this far, might as well leave a comment, it makes a difference…
MONDAY RAMBLE PART 16 “CLEAVAGE THROWBACK”
Posted: September 26, 2010 Filed under: MONDAY RAMBLE 1 Comment
Since I have so many new readers, I have to take you guys back to where these rambles began to take form and why I decided to put them together in a book. And it’s because of you taking time out to read em and spending an extra few moments to comment…so being that I will be going to BBQs soon and I have been back to church, this unofficial ramble from last year caught my attention. Enjoy!
As much as this hurts me inside I have come to grips with the fact that I do not look scary at all to strangers. I can have my earphones in bopping to my music with the meanest of faces on a dark New York street and some elderly Caucasian lady will tap me on the shoulder and ask me for directions without hesitation. I want to say “Don’t I look frightening? Why aren’t you concerned that I’ll rob you Miss?”
But I never get it out, and this happens quite often to me. I have been in the middle of conversations, or on the phone on the street and some person that I know I could easily take down and steal all their valuables just trusts in me to lead them on the right path. My hoodie and attitude mean nothing to people and that sucks.
I guess that’s why this retarded kid in the park the other day decided he would throw his football at me and it would be cool to initiate an impromptu game of catch with someone he’s never met in his life. This kid had to be about 8 yrs old, his mother was either watching from a distance or sent him over while she hid.
Anyway, here I was 4 minutes into it back and forth looking for an out when it dawned on me that catch is just that…catch. You throw and you catch, that’s it! There isn’t a score, no winner and no clock; the game of catch isn’t a game at all. It has no end and I had no way of finishing this torture other than running away from this excited youngster who might’ve been alone in a park. Then I started thinking maybe this was a prank and I was being filmed, or maybe this was a test from God to see how patient I am or there could be some beautiful, model Mom that wanted to know if I was a good stepfather candidate and this was how she felt out potential partners.
As I was running away I thought about how many times we as humans get caught in moments of discomfort. People go to extreme lengths to not be uncomfortable. However we all find ourselves in situations where we wish we could instantly disappear: A trip up the stairs in the party, not enough money on your debit card, surprise gas release, caught in a turning lane and you don’t want to turn. They are the tiny fractions of time that really aren’t a big deal but we just wish we could push fast forward.
We’re at a BBQ and I don’t remember her name, but she knows mine and we just had a 30-minute conversation about music, basketball and acquaintances we must both know but yet still no bell has rung. I’m texting her description to my boys…no help, handed her my phone when she offered her number to keep in touch but the drink in her hand caused her to say “you just write it in.” And now my friend walks up and I have to introduce her…
“Oh this is my peoples right here…we go waaaaay back, well we had a different name for you back then, what do you go by now?”
But her name was the same as it is now. And I still have a number in my phone under the name “Hey” because I didn’t take the time to remember even after all that but if she ever calls that’s what I’ll say, “hey” and pick up right where we left off.
Even that is not as bad as talking to a woman that has her cleavage exposed and she catches you looking at them. See the thing about cleavage is…well see cleavage is…is sort of like a separate entity or “entitty.” Two pushed together tatas that are halfway smiling at onlookers live and breathe on their own. Once a female with cup size decides to let the girls out then they have eyes and a mouth and they communicate with the public.
You can be saying one thing but your cleavage says the total opposite. If you bring cleavage to open school night to talk to your kid’s teachers then they are having a different conversation than the one you’re having. While you’re talking about your rugrats, the male teacher is asking if you’re a single mom, your breasts are saying “kind of but it’s complicated,” he’s asking them for details, next thing you know your kid is doing much better in school, is receiving awards and special attention and hasn’t learned a damn thing.
However your mammaries have changed the world, your double D’s have given birth to straight A’s! So with that said, you know what you’re doing Miss, don’t expect me to focus on your words if you wanted to have titty talk. I can’t focus that damn well. Just say what’s on your mind and their mind or just let me look at them and say hello.
I’m saying all this to say, cleavage is a beautiful thing except when it’s not. If you’re a married man and your wife’s homie’s low cut dress has you diverting your eyes to the floor every second then who’s to blame for this madness? Not you sir. The uncomfy moment of getting caught looking at your boy’s fiancée’s rack is your fault? Hell no! They are apparently out for some reason. And even if that reason has nothing to do with you it doesn’t matter.
If you’re with your woman and the guy at the next table can’t help staring during his order, do you give him a pound and say “all mine” or do you get upset and reprimand him? And what if instead of a random guy, it’s your friend, and he’s not doing a split-second glance, he’s gazing, smiling and commenting after a few drinks at the fight party? Do you want to have your own fight just because she decided to show 2 of the reasons that you chose her anyway?
They have an ego that needs to be fed so as you look at them and she looks at you it doesn’t mean you want to motorboat her or you’re wondering what her areolas look like or if her nipples are small or big; you’ve seen tits before. You’re just being courteous and giving them the look they were asking for. If anything she should say sorry instead of doing the ‘pull up the shirt adjustment’ as if she didn’t know her breasts were speaking to the entire room. That’s why I stopped going to church.
You made it this far, might as well leave a comment, it makes a difference…
SHA STIMULI'S MONDAY RAMBLES 
