Monday Ramble #35 The Ex-Factor

Posted: March 28, 2011 | Author: | Filed under: Just thoughts, MONDAY RAMBLE | Tags: , , , , , , , , , | 5 Comments

Monday Ramble #35 The Ex-Factor

A friend of mine told me that whenever he was having issues with his wife he envisioned leaving her for this woman that lived across the street from him.
He said his neighbor was a single mother that was very attractive, friendly…almost too friendly and she left her curtains open quite often. He explained to me that the vision took him places he would never explore in real life; where he actually packed up all his things and moved right across the street to live a new life and show his wife that this new woman had all of the qualities that she didn’t.

Then he went on to tell me that the daydream would shift and those qualities that were missing in his wife were replaced by new issues of baby-father drama, unreal expectations, jealousy and finally he would picture himself looking across the street at his ex-wife wondering if he had done the right thing.
He said it was scary imagining himself across the street staring at his old house looking at his ex-wife…who would then be a single mother, attractive, mysterious, and somewhat sexy then all of a sudden, he realized he had a good thing. Or better yet, he has a good thing because those thoughts kept him in line.

The story enlightened me a little bit, the vision made sense, and I began to analyze the things in my life that I needed to look at from a distance in order to appreciate them more.

The greener grass theory caused me to actually write a song. And on our blogtalk radio show tomorrow (3/29/11) we’re going to discuss “How To Get Over Your Ex”. Not the pill, the person.

The concept of the Ex is as interesting as the letter “X” is. The two intersecting slashes that make it up seem so final. It looks like a stamp, like it really marks a spot. X is a strike in bowling, a ten in roman numerals, a symbol where you put your signature, and a rating for sexual content.
Some X’s are good, some have mutant powers, others are bad, but most are intriguing. I guess as a prefix it negates what you meant to a person. An x-lover, or x-boyfriend or x-manager all mean you were, but now you’re not.

How does one get over an Ex?

I’m not sure there’s one distinct method. Most of us wouldn’t know until we’re either confronted with feelings or have moved on to someone new. And even then the old feelings can still sneak up on you.

Does it mean you still want to be with someone from the past that you knew wasn’t right for you? Nah.
But there are theories that we never really get over a real Ex. I mean someone that dented our hearts. An individual we shared adult moments with that affected our lifestyles, altered our character, and shaped our being. Those people become a little more than stepping-stones and measuring sticks. They have solidified memories that draw comparisons. Whether the split was amicable or you got dumped, or they couldn’t get their act together, you still wonder “what if?”

And that is life. I feared commitment for years because of the “Ex-Factor.” My dating experiences always led me to believe that there was someone somewhere in every woman’s life that had the ability and open door policy to return whenever he wanted.

The Ex was a person that was actually a “Y” in her head. She knew he wasn’t right but she couldn’t figure out “Y” he always knew how to get back in.

He could say, “Oh I’m not ready to be your man but I want to see you, I miss you.” He could try, “Oh I’m in town for the weekend. I just want to talk.” Or he could be the father of her child that makes her feel like that college girl that snuck in his dorm room every time he comes around and she can’t resist the nostalgia.

I made a lot of those theories up in my head. And maybe being the “Y-Factor” person myself a time or two led me to believe that karma would serve me the fate of falling for someone that had a man-in-waiting ready to snatch back his old love no matter how cool I thought I was.

How many of us have felt threatened by your current significant other’s past?

You heard the name, you’ve seen the picture, and you may even know the person. You’ve viewed their Facebook pictures making that “is this what you liked?” face and you even flirted with the thought of clicking that “add as a friend” button but you knew questions would arise.
Are you insecure? Cautious? Jealous? Or are you foolishly human?

Now that your mind has drifted off into thoughts of the person or people that you think of from time to time from your past that you just didn’t click with at the time, think about what made you get over them.

Was it time that passed or was it someone new? Was it the fact that you looked in the mirror and said, “If they don’t want me, I will be fine,” to yourself?

Or did you just figure that you deserve better and this isn’t it?
Or are you not completely over the ex-hill? Are you still climbing, falling, slipping, waking up from dreams, having visions of what could have been, wishing you get one of those long emails from them that expresses exactly what you’ve been feeling?

Or maybe it happened without a conscious thought at all and your present moment is what you make it. Some of us don’t live off of memories and time-travel desires.
Are you over your Ex?

Monday Ramble #34 Thee End

Posted: March 21, 2011 | Author: | Filed under: Just thoughts, MONDAY RAMBLE | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 7 Comments

As some of you have done, I picked some teams to win in the NCAA basketball tournament that lost. And I was upset for 12 seconds about it.

In an ironic twist I played in a tournament game myself yesterday and was not victorious at the end of four quarters.
If someone had picked my team and had to watch us lose by one point they would probably be disappointed like I was. That brought me to the revelation that you cannot control everything.

And I thought about who came out worse in this ordeal, the person choosing a team or the actual team member? And then I got hungry and I forgot what profound question I had asked myself when it hit me…

Why am I concerned with March Madness when the world is supposedly near its end?

Why are any of us going to work, or not robbing banks or looting liquor stores or supermarkets or living out our sexual fantasies or saying what we’ve always wanted to say on our Facebook walls?

Because we don’t know if it’s all about to be over for real. I was told the date was May 21st or something. And that sucks for the babies and kids, I mean it sucks for everyone but I still think it’s just a rumor to make Obama look bad. Someone that disputed his presidency would just love to get a chance to say “42 Caucasian leaders of the free world and we all survived, one half-African and everybody dies…”

I’m not blaming Barack but I do know this, if it’s all ending soon I need some sort of confirmation and clarity on which religion is the winner.
I need to know who to pray to right away. I’m not saying I’m gonna switch teams but I will fill out my brackets differently.
If the Catholic’s way of confessing is the way to go holla at me, are the Jews the chosen people? Are the Five Percenters right? Should I have paid attention in that Mason meeting I snuck into? I know the Israelites are still on some corners going in, and even though a lot of them got haircuts after the ball dropped in 2000, there’s a chance that their philosophy was on point.
Who wants to get to Heaven’s gate and find out you were giving credit to the wrong deity? Not me. Jah? Allah? Zeus? Somebody throw me a bone here.

They told me accepting Jesus Christ as my Lord and whatnot would guarantee some other stuff that sounded splendid and I bought into that, I signed up years ago, so if that changed and there’s a new God like there’s new math I’m not up on…I’m just saying.

Not that I’m sure about the whole Heaven thing, I just think Hell would have to be easy as…well, Hell to get in. So they would probably be packed, therefore allowing more space in Heaven for people that had evil thoughts, but not so bad actions. There should be an action list and a thought list because most of us have daily thoughts about smacking infants, stabbing supervisors or poisoning significant others but we don’t do it.

And that’s why this omnipotent being that I have an open-mind about right now should understand and let folks in.
But what if there’s no Hell, Heaven, or purgatory crap anyway? And God is just “love” and the churches were made up years ago because every week people needed reminders why they shouldn’t kill someone that was poorer or uglier than they were. What better way to stop madness on earth than to suggest that in the afterlife you would be punished?


Well it scared me as a kid, mention Hell and I was really contemplating being burned over and over with some crazy demons eating my flesh then returning the next morning. That’s not what happens? Well it helped me not go to jail as a pre-teen.

So yea like I was saying, what if God is just a feeling and the bible stories were all just exaggerated tales of talking snakes, long-haired warriors, seas splitting, giants falling to boys, fatal floods, immaculate births, saviors healing, dying, returning and you giving a non-refundable tithe so you feel better about your weekly deeds of shame and indiscretion?

And all the different religions were just franchised moneymakers that derived from the same sun-worshipping theory that mirrors Christmas and Easter. I’m not going into that whole birth and resurrection correlation to the sun’s position but some of y’all know what I mean. Google it.

Or reincarnation could be the ticket, what if no one ever really dies? You just come back as a higher-evolved being of consciousness…or a lower one. And technically monkeys, cows and roaches are more advanced spiritually than humans so we may just return as one of them. Damn, I hath depressed myself.
That wasn’t my mission.

Wrap this up, I shall with some positive wishes for the end of the world:

-At least we will all share a death date.

-There’s nothing like knowing your enemies aren’t going to outlive you.

-The terminally ill don’t have it so bad after all.

-If your horoscope for that day mentions next week, you will know they’ve been lying all this time.

-Sex with a stranger? Not such a bad idea after all.

And although I don’t know how it’s going to happen, I hope it’s not nuclear or flames or even water again.

I think if “God person” is reading this, He or She should end it with some angels flying down and picking people up one by one so no one knows who gets dropped into the fire or brought to the clouds. You just see them fly away and…you know what…maniacal aliens would be better. It would force all races, gang members and maybe even some animals to ban together and fight for survival.

Dominicans would fight alongside Puerto Ricans, inmates and correction officers would hold hands, Klan members and Crips would join forces, dogs would align with cats, oh what an independence day it would be. If we all die like that, I’d be cool.

What do you think about the end being near?

Monday Ramble #33 Wake Up And Go [Video]

Posted: March 14, 2011 | Author: | Filed under: Just thoughts, MONDAY RAMBLE | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 5 Comments

Monday Ramble #33 Wake Up And Go [Video]

 

 

Monday Ramble #32 Stop Looking At My Moms

Posted: February 21, 2011 | Author: | Filed under: Almost Funny, Just thoughts, MONDAY RAMBLE | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 5 Comments

Do you remember being a kid and meeting one of your friend’s Moms for the 1st time? If your friend’s last name was Brown, you would say, “Nice to meet you Mrs. Brown” and she would say, “Nice to meet you little whoever you are.”
And it was all good. But then there was a time when you would meet someone’s Mom and the convo would start out, “Nice to meet you Mrs. Brown” and she’ll scowl and say, “Brown is his/her father’s name, and I hate that bastard. My last name is Pearson.”

Or something like that. And she might even point out that she isn’t a ‘Mrs.’

But as a kid, what do you know? It’s not the kid’s fault. If she hated that guy so much, she didn’t have to give her seed his name. Maybe she didn’t know how it would turn out. She also didn’t know that she was going to have a kid with another dude. And when she did, she thought this guy was the one.

And now just like Doughboy and Ricky’s mom, (Boyz ’N’ The Hood) she has a favorite babyfather, a favorite kid, and she’s throwing herself subliminally at some guy that looks like Laurence Fishburne who lives on the block.

The closest thing I’ve had to offspring was a cat when I was a kid. I took care of the little feline, emptied his litter box, bought his cat food, gave him water and spoke to him about drugs and peer pressure in the community.

It worked out well and although he lived to be around 90 years old, I don’t think it readied me for a human pet. I mean a baby. Sorry about that. I’ve watched a lot of kids though. If you ever need someone to watch your kids, I’m one of the best.

Oh no not babysitting, I mean watch them, I don’t do diapers or vomit cleanup or anything but I’m an excellent watcher. I can look at them, stare at them, I am exceptional at that, especially from far away. You should see my skills.

I am related to some children, I’ve hung out with them, conversed about school and kindergarten drama, I’ve even read a children story or 2…with animated voices and all that. If I did have a seed, I don’t think I would ever be cool with letting the little bastard…sorry again, out of my sight. I don’t trust babysitters. I can imagine being a single parent and trying to date someone. I would be so leery letting a person in my life that didn’t help me create the youngster.

The other day I’m watching What Chilli Wants and every time she gets with a dude, she starts mentioning her son and dudes start to get shook. The guy that was trying to get some TV time, maybe a little bedroom action with the consolation prize of a relationship is now faced with the thought of an add water, instant family.

The kid has to like you, respect you, and not try and kill you. Then you have to worry about the other parent in the picture. Does that parent still come around, still have beat-rights, are they paying some bills? Do you care enough to go that far?

The toughest part about dealing with a single parent is putting yourself in the place of the kid. You are Lebron James, and Delonte West is lurking around trying to be cool with you so he can get in and maybe get out once he’s done. Go ahead and envision all those tattoos, and some weirdo breathing heavy on top of the woman that gave you life.

But you don’t think about that, you’d rather be Delonte playing the role of the predator and your mission is to invade the birthplace of the little homie. And once you’re there you have to stay, or else you hurt a bunch of folks. How do you escape the notion that there is a child that isn’t yours but is going to pretend you’re the new parent with the hopes that a newer baby doesn’t get more attention, that your love will mirror that of a blood relative and that your disciplinary actions never provoke the phrase. “I’m not your child!!! (followed by bitch or nucca) ”

So you have to make a decision and try not to let the extra pressure affect your thought process. The opposite spectrum is the kid that’s really feeling you and vice versa; then you’re like Jerry Maguire rolling with the Mom just because you bonded with the little youth.

There are limitless scenarios to this unsolvable equation:

-2 Baby Daddies, 1 with drug habits, the other makes drug deals.

-2 or more Baby Mamas, one likes you, the other says she likes you or they all like each other and call you a bitch that doesn’t know he still wants them.

-Disappearing Baby Daddy with intrusive family that keeps getting your name wrong.

-Cool Baby Mama that gets child support not ordered by the court system so he has to bring it to her house…at night.

-Baby Daddy that wants to get back in so he buys presents for everyone…including you.

-Baby Mama that posts subliminal hate on Twitter but if you say something about it, you’re a hater.

-Baby Daddy that posts “The Real Family” pic on Facebook that you’re not in at Chucke Cheese, even though you were at the party.

-Baby isn’t a baby and wants money to leave y’all alone on weekends and can go to the club with you.

-Mother-in-law that wishes you would go away and the original family can work it out because her marriage didn’t work so she’s pissed at you and won’t let your mother receive a Nana or Granny moniker because she’s not blood and you don’t like her but you’re glad that she’s not phony about her feelings…or something like that.

Like I said, the different complications and situations can become elaborate yet beautiful.

And when it gets to the point where the child has to get called into the room to hear the explanation why Mr. Jamal is going to be spending the night and checking homework…or why Ms. Sharon was yelling at Jesus in Daddy’s bedroom the other morning, it’s real.

There’s no answer, solution or knowledge I offer you here today, all I can do is speak on what I see.

“The best advice is keep moving slow/’cause honestly, you don’t know what the future holds/one day you’re dating model broads, groupie hoes/next day you’re watching Pokemon and Yu-Gi-Oh…” –The Milf Song.

Monday Ramble #31 Love Hater

Posted: February 14, 2011 | Author: | Filed under: Almost Funny, MONDAY RAMBLE | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 10 Comments

So you didn’t get anything for Valentine’s Day, and you’re feeling down about it. You forgot it was Black History Month and totally decided you would focus all of your attention on your social life and your lack of someone in your world that cares enough to send you the very best.
But you don’t really care about Black people anyway. If they don’t know their history by now, they’re not going to get it in the 2 weeks left in the month.
Should you be down about not getting flowers or candy…or a card or some symbol of affection from a loved one…or at least a secret admirer?

Yes you should. Unless you remember being back in school, and seeing the girl with the massive balloons and big ass teddy bear going from class to class, hitting the lunchroom, then the train ride home with Valentine luggage to show off, and you felt lucky that that wasn’t you.

I would hold on to that feeling if I were you, she wasn’t better than you then, and she isn’t now.

I could never get anyone all of that stuff back in school because at some point I would have to be seen with it…and teenage love isn’t that strong. I got someone a gift one year like an idiot back in the days. I don’t remember (too embarrassed to say) what the gift was but I conformed to society’s pagan holiday, and I felt foolish once the person I got the crap for, received junk from other dudes…and everyone knew about it. What was I thinking? I requested a Valentine and got turned down basically. What the hell was that about? If she said yes, what was next?

Now as an adult, we’re still hung up on gifts and monetary displays of adoration. We’re falling for it again.

I know, I know…your co-worker just got some beautiful arrangement sent to her desk right on time. Oh your friend just got proposed to this morning in some special way. Get outta here. That’s sweet.

No it isn’t. They won’t last. People send themselves flowers all the time. If you’re single don’t be discouraged. There’s nothing like being single because number 1 is the best number. Everything else is a downgrade. You’re gonna read a lot of Facebook statuses today that may piss you off.

And there will be expressions of love everywhere. But you know what? Tomorrow is February 15th. And hate will rule again. I’ve seen it. Trust me.

The whole relationship concept is overrated. What’s the point of liking someone, figuring out how much you can tolerate of them, then loving them, then telling them not to mess with anyone else, while you lock yourself down? Then y’all wanna live together, share finances, look at each other change shapes, cross lines of privacy, reveal idiosyncrasies, meet family members then ultimately make offspring and be tied together forever.

My friend you have dodged a bullet. You know how many people were on the verge of breaking up, then Feb 14th rolls around and a good deed makes a couple continue to kill each other slowly? It’s sickening.

You really want to spend your weekends worrying about some human being letting someone else rub on them? You actually think it’s a good idea to be with one person for the rest of your existence?

Variety is the best thing on earth. You don’t even wear the same head scarf two nights in a row…you can’t stand leftovers…if someone says, “huh, what did you say?” and you have to repeat yourself, you’d rather not, you’re above repeating…

So what makes you think you can be with the same person day…then night…then day again, then another evening and they’re still there, and so on until y’all hit the dirt?

Think about it…and you want some damn candy. Go speed dating tonight, get bent, sleep with someone, get up and walk away, feel better for it. Happiness is not around the corner, it’s right here. Look at Oprah Winfrey, she never got married and she’s a billionaire. Tyler Perry’s paid and he’s single. Can that happen to you?

Probably not…but you can have your own reality show looking for love. Ok, so first you may just have to get on a reality show competing for someone else’s love and if you’re a big enough personality you’ll get a spin-off, but that’s not too farfetched.

Speaking of reality shows, I was watching Hell Date the other night on BET and all I could think about were the auditions for the role of the devil. I can imagine a lot of midgets came out competing for that slot, but with only one little line to say, how did they choose?

“You on hell date!” That’s not hard to mess up, I’m sure the competition was intense.

If I were to go on that show as the date from hell, I would be the cheap guy. I would be asking the server about the prices, ordering water and an appetizer for me, cringing after she orders the $25 seafood platter, saying, “No dessert menus, we’re good.”

And I would ask her to go half or itemize what she got and ask for that exact amount. Even without cameras I think that’s a good idea, I may have to have a midget come out and say his line for her to get the joke…but I would still go Dutch.

Why do Dutch people go half anyway? I would hate to be from the country named after that. “I can’t afford this, let’s go Costa Rican.” That would suck. Dutch people should be pissed.
I lost my train of thought. What is a train of thought anyway? Is that a metaphoric symbol for different ideas linked like train cars? Wouldn’t that make it a train of thoughts? And how would you lose that anyway? Even metaphoric trains aren’t tough to find.

I don’t know what I’m talking about, oh I saw some of The Grammys, I watched most of it on Twitter as people commented on everything.

I remember as a kid, I didn’t watch the rock or country performances…now as a grownup, I don’t watch the rock, country or rap performances.

I’m joking, but I know plenty of people expressed their opinions about artists and their wins, how they looked, how they sang so I’m not gonna bore you with more of that. But you can feel free to mention them, Nicki Minaj was_____, Oh man Lady Gaga looked_____, Drake’s hair, Diddy’s speech impediment, Usher did what to Bieber?____. Go ahead, chime in, I’m not hip enough.

Am I still going? This is long as hell.

A lot of folks were upset about Guru not being listed as one of the entertainers that passed away last year. These are the same folks that gave Milli and Vanilli an award…and refused to televise the rap award that The Fresh Prince got for about a decade years ago. Relax people. Enjoy your love day.

You made it this far, might as well leave a comment, it means a lot.

Monday Ramble #30 “Fan”Tasy Sports

Posted: February 7, 2011 | Author: | Filed under: MONDAY RAMBLE | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

My team didn’t win the Super Bowl. Let me rephrase that, my team wasn’t in the Super Bowl.
Come to think about it, I don’t have a team at all. And I just came to that realization this morning. I don’t play fantasy sports, not because they aren’t cool but because I don’t have friends to explain how they work or to compete with. No! Don’t feel bad now and invite me into your league. I’ll forget that I’m playing and lose terribly and then you will have wasted your precious time.

And it’s not because I’m busy or anything, I’m just bad with doing anything daily that’s not eating or cleaning myself.

With that said, all these years of my life I’ve been rooting for the Giants, hoping North Carolina’s basketball team wins, blah blah, blah and for what?

Being a fan of a professional sports team gets you absolutely nowhere. The only outcome is continuous disappointment. If it’s your college alma mater or your kid’s soccer squad, I say go hard, but losing your lunch over some millionaires that don’t know you or need you is too much.

Sure I was happy the Lakers won 2 years in a row, but now I’m all worried they won’t win again. And you know who doesn’t care? The Lakers.

I don’t have stock options; I’m not related to anyone on the team, I’m not even from LA. And yet here I am, watching avidly, calling myself a fan. A fan of a team isn’t like being a fan of an artist.

If Chris Brown was to hit another woman, chances are he would lose fans, they would buy less records, stop coming to his shows, and hurt his career directly.

If Kobe allegedly rapes another woman, he’ll get backlash, a loud boo here and there…hell he may even lose an endorsement or 2 but people will still go to the games. His jersey would still sell, he wins no matter what.

And his paycheck won’t get altered. He gets a salary. I’m a fan of someone with a job. And he’s not even the only person responsible for the team winning. At least if I’m a Tiger Woods fan, it’s all on him if he loses. Team sports have a lot of folks to blame. The more people down with you, the more finger pointing.

Imagine being on a football team and you play defense and you’re on the sideline when some wide receiver drops an open pass that could’ve won the game. I would be pissed. How pissed can you be sitting in your living room watching though? Do I have the same right? It’s entertainment isn’t it? For the fans?

Don’t believe that, fans don’t get anything but fanship. No key chains, no mini-trophies. When we fill out census forms, they should ask you for your favorite teams. And when they win a title, you should receive a bonus check in the mail for $25 or something. Or a free ticket to next year’s game, or season 2 of random TV shows like Bones or House or Dexter even. The show should definitely have 1 word, and the 2nd season would make you have to get the 1st season. This would have nothing to do with your team but this is what should happen. Cross marketing.

What if you were a fan of the Bulls in the 90’s and had to wait like a decade and a half later for them to be contenders again? Just admit you liked Jordan and give up on them already. It’s ok. Or maybe you liked the Knicks back when Patrick Ewing and his coco bread kneepads were dominating.

In 2011 you can be a fan again. But that took entirely too long, Pat’s son is a college grad. People were Cavaliers fans just last year, now they’re sending death threats to Lebron and throwing out racial slurs.
If you think about it, people are upset at a dude for changing companies. I thought he was a punk too but now I see the error in my judgment.
If someone leaves Mr. Pibb to go work for Pepsi, can you really be upset? Some of you don’t even know who Mr. Pibb is.
They were burning his jersey in Cleveland. That’s like a Sprint worker burning my old bill because I switched to TMobile and I took my number. That is kind of disrespectful on my part but I don’t think it’s that serious to want to kill me.

Recently, my favorite old lady greeter at Wal-Mart left and I thought she re-retired, but I heard she went to Costco. I was like, “I don’t have a Costco card. I can’t root for you.” But I didn’t burn her old apron.

It crossed my mind but I didn’t. Look all I’m saying is continue to be a fan if you want to, go to games, spend $40 on food and drink while you’re there, argue with your friends about statistics, google those stats while you’re out on your smart(ass)phone, wear team colors, make songs, lose bets, and think nothing of it.

Or change teams every season when the playoffs roll around like I’m about to do, and when you’re at next year’s Super Bowl house party or this year’s March Madness shindig, be sure to go pee when the action’s happening and not during a quiet commercial. You’re welcome.

Ask an MC with Sha Stimuli: The 80/20 Rule

Posted: January 27, 2011 | Author: | Filed under: MONDAY RAMBLE | Tags: , , , , | 5 Comments

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Monday Ramble 29 No Strings Attached (Open Relationship Rules) Part 1 & 2 [Video]

Posted: January 24, 2011 | Author: | Filed under: MONDAY RAMBLE | Tags: , , , , | 2 Comments

Here’s the visual response to an Ask an MC question about open relationships:

Monday Ramble #28 Martin Luther the King of Randumbness

Posted: January 17, 2011 | Author: | Filed under: MONDAY RAMBLE | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 11 Comments

Every time MLK day rolls around I start getting all deep and introspective and comparing my life’s accomplishments to that of the great Civil Rights leaders and other people that made dents in our current society. Not today. Today I’m sitting here wondering why in the last 2 days I’ve seen commercials with jingles, slogans, mascots, spokespersons, actors and cartoon characters for companies such as (sing along when you see the name) Nationwide, Geico, Statefarm, Safeauto, Progressive, AllState, The General, Farmers, Esurance, and 21st century.

Why are insurance companies dominating the advertising world and why aren’t they canceling each other out? Is insurance that big? What am I missing? Why are these songs creeping in my head? Nationwide is most likely not on my side. Statefarm is like a good neighbor but how many of us have had a good neighbor that’s always there? I don’t even know my neighbors. I love Flo the Progressive lady and the real 1st Black president, David Palmer telling me about AllState is pretty convincing but I doubt I will factor in these pitches in my decision about which insurance company I go with.

I am totally without focus today so allow me to run down more “randumb” observations and feel free to join me or comment on something that you find oddly interesting.

-BBM (Blackberry messenger) broadcast messages suck. I don’t care if it’s about a lost cat or your party that you’re throwing to help the homeless, or a blood drive for the Crips. I see lavender writing…I’m upset. I’m sorry.

-How come there are no midget mannequins?

-Faking your death on Facebook isn’t cool this year.

-I was having a conversation about nothing and I told someone that I was a stubborn individual…then they asked me if I was a tourist. I was thinking ‘nah I live here, but what does me being in a new place sightseeing have to do with my obstinacy…Oh a Taurus? Well that was embarrassing.

-One of my greatest pleasures in life is eating. Even better than eating is eating alone. Not because I like being by myself…but because I hate putting my knife in my right hand to cut my food. Then I have to pick up my pancakes or my steak, or whatever I’m eating with my left hand all properly just because someone’s looking and it’s proper etiquette. I say screw etiquette. Etiquette isn’t a bad stripper name btw. But yeah back to my original point, I don’t follow eating rules. I don’t know which fork is the salad fork…no; don’t tell me, I got it. I might even put my napkin in my shirt like a bib instead of on my lap. Ok no I won’t but I will eat alone and my knife will be in my left hand all day with no one to scrutinize or correct me. Yes. I am a rebel.

-What happened to Calvin from 227?

-Speaking of Television, was anyone else an avid A Different World watcher? No? Just me? I’m the only one that noticed that the guy (Michael Ralph) that played the dread Spencer Boyer that finally got engaged to Kimberly Reese in the last season was actually on the show like 4 other times as different characters? He was Clinton in Ron’s band, he was the fire marshal that shut down Ron and Whitley’s party, he had like 2 other roles before he got an accent and a dread wig…I know I know, who cares?

-There’s a park in Atlanta called Inman park…INman park…Do with that what you want. I’m never going there.

-Your status message is too personal. Change it…and then change it again.

-New Year’s resolutions should have a national reminder day in April. I think that’s what April Fool’s day is actually. You fool, what was your resolution again?

-Some hater told me I was corny for being a rapper that was all into the Harry Potter flicks. He said I mentioned it in my blogs and vlogs and that wasn’t cool to be that deep into a fantastical wizard boy and his fight against horcruxes and Lord Voldemort. I told him that the Sorting Hat would definitely place him in the House of Slytherin for those snide comments. Who’s corny now?

-How come there aren’t more devil worshippers at house parties? They make really good conversation.

-I’ve never laughed at anyone that smelled funny.

-I hate that rappers turned swag into a person. “My swag’s better that your swag.” Now I just saw a commercial where athletes are saying, “My ready is bigger than your ready.” There’s no reason for my hatred but it exists. And I plan to personify it as well. “My hate’s on 1001…my hate is so hungry…my hate would beat up your hate.” Whatever. I’m still working on it.

Don’t think I’m not over here plotting on changing the world somehow. I want to thank everyone for visiting mondayramble.com and commenting. This all started with you cracking a smile at my words and telling me to keep going, and in just 3 months of existence I have some ad company interest because of your views. I’ll let y’all know how that turns out. Thanks for copping my new CD, Unsung, and if you haven’t, go online and skim through it and grab a song or 2. No pressure. Thanks to all my fam that came to the release shindig as well.

Celebrate today by thinking about what more you can do, and if you find yourself focused on the obstacles in your path, think about the ones you got over from your past.

Unsung Vol 1: The Garden Of Eden
cop it here… http://to.ly/9gYBhttp:

no spellcheck btw, forgive me

You made it this far, might as well leave a comment, it goes a long way…

Ask An MC on hhlo.net Open Relationships…Do they exist?

Posted: January 10, 2011 | Author: | Filed under: MONDAY RAMBLE | 2 Comments

Ask an MC with Sha Stimuli

Advice, Columns | HHLO Staff | January 10, 2011 1:51 pm

Sha has been kind enough to take some time out of his schedule to help you, or just answer your questions. If you have something you would like to ask Sha Stimuli go ahead and submit your questions to AskAnMC@gmail.com. Who knows, maybe Sha can give you some life changing advice!

Ok, I realize some of you out there need therapy, advice, a virtual hug, whatever it may be. And a lot of those things either cost or cause you to leave your home. I am not a licensed physician at all, nor am I a therapist. I am just like you, except I have the heart to tell you the truth when you won’t tell yourself. So ask me about the industry, ask me about relationships, ask me about the best way to steal someone’s lady or how to tell a person they need hygiene help. Go ahead, ask an MC…

Hey Sha,

My friends and I have been having a debate about “open relationships”
and we wanted a man’s perspective on it. Are open relationships truly
open? What does it really mean to have an open relationship? And if
two people agree to one, is there a need for boundaries?

– Lani from DC

Lani,
An open relationship always ends up being a “hope”n relationship. Someone hopes it goes further or hopes it ends. Most relationships are “open” when 2 people begin the dating process. Guy doesn’t have any claim on Girl but he digs her enough to spend a dollar, talk about her interests and hopefully exchange orgasmic goof faces. Girl figures Guy is physically decent, has some things going for him and is a candidate for the long haul.

This strange “unclosed” relationship you speak of is rarely agreed upon. Most people are in them without knowing. But for argument’s sake let’s say there is an evolved lady out there that is career driven, into herself or is just seeing someone that doesn’t make her change her Facebook relationship status so she says, “Hey let’s just see what happens.”

Normally a dude would light up, see the opportunity to gallavant around town, see her when he sees her with no obligation for sleeping over or faithfulness, and even throw honesty into the equation when it comes to who else is getting blessed with his equipment.

With that said, all an open relationship is, is a grenade wit the pin halfway out. Of course for it to work one would need boundaries. You didn’t see when Elaine and Jerry tried it? The rules were sleepovers optional, next day phone call optional, hanging out became dating, and this was just sex…Elaine folded in less than a week, (or a half hour in sitcom world).

“Open” would mean both parties can do what they want and still come back without any inquiries.
What rules work for that? Let’s see…

1.Don’t ask don’t tell.

If you’re doing your thing, I don’t want to know, I don’t want to see, I don’t need a title, I won’t check your phone or email. If I bump into you with someone on your arm, I say, “Hi” and keep it moving (This will last 1 month).

2.Our time together is our time together.

Same basic concept, this just suggests that if you’re busy with another individual, a fight should not ensue. If you don’t get a birthday party invite or you see pics online with someone else cheek-touching me, you don’t have the right to beef. (This one will last until an issue arises).

3.No meeting of family members.

This is tricky but once you meet brothers, sisters, parents, etc, opinions form, questions arise, openness fades slowly.

4.If you get serious with someone else holla.

It’s really difficult explaining to someone you just had a ball with on Tuesday, that you’re thinking about committing to someone else on Friday. I’ve done it though, and maybe at the worst possible times, but it needs to be done to limit bloodshed.

5.If you catch feelings speak up.

Don’t start to fall for the person you’re in an open relationship with, without spreading the word. If Christmas comes and you received a card and a kiss, and you gave jewelry and an Ipad, something’s off, say something.

6.Don’t make love.

Keep it lusty, unromantic, and fun. If you start sleepovers, toothbrush leaving, and post climax conversation, you may have a mate sooner than you think.

7.Don’t make a baby.

I shouldn’t have to remind you about protection but one surefire way to close an open deal is to bring in a human that’s related to both of y’all that you have to take care of. It happens everyday.
“You’re having a baby? I didnt even know you were seeing someone.”
“Me neither.”

8.Watch your words.

“I love you” is taboo. Pet names are dangerous. Introductions as “this is my friend” might offend. See #10

9.Keep jealousy to a minimum.

If you’re one of those trouble starters, phone checkers, Facebook invaders, loud talking drinkers that snatches people up at lounges then be careful when you’re in an open relationship. It may just not be for you.

10.Have “The Talk”

We as men, hate to hear these words, “What are we doing?” We know that means that someone is looking to define what’s going on. And if the girl we’re dealing with is not “the one” then we want to avoid that talk at all costs. But from what I learned from my major in college (open relationships) is that talking about it works wonders. What should I introduce you as? What do you want from me? Why do you think I would be a good boyfriend? Do you really just feel sort of insignificant and sometimes a tiny bit slutty and do you think a title would justify us sleeping together or do you just not want me messing with other chicks? These are some of the questions men need to throw out there if the talk happens.
On the contrary, when men catch feelings it’s different. But women shouldn’t be delicate at all. If he wants to close the openness and you don’t…tell him, tell him early, thru email, phone, text, send your friends a message about it, get your locks changed and get a friend on the police force. Rejected men make up 61% of prison inmates (I made that up).

The best open relationships are long distance ones, strictly sexual ones, cheating spouses, or 2 people that are feeling each other out. Follow these rules or walk away.


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